A Little Off The Rails

What a night, huh? Congratulations America! President Obama - its got a good ring to it.

Anyway, surprisingly that’s not what I’m blathering about today.

I spent a second day in bed. I went to the doctor and got me some CLASSIC advise.

Me: I’m feeling wiped out, massively tired, knackered - you know, not awake.

Doctor (not my usual one but a total buttwipe): What you need there is some good quality rest.

Me: ?!?!

Me (half an hour later): What is good quality rest?!?!

If anyone has the answer to this question please please tell me!

Good quality rest.

Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I had any kind of rest where I woke up and felt good about the ‘lost’ time. I imagine if I searched back through the blog posts I’d find one but, well, I really can’t be bothered. I have a vague recollection of waking up wearing a cream satin nightdress and staring straight up into the eyes of a loved one, while he told me I was blushing. I remember that day feeling happy then.

One of my favourite quotes of all time is from Elizabeth Wurtzel:

"Waking up is harder when you want to die."

No, wait, I don’t want to die - this is not in anyway a moment to get panicky and start sending me healing posts and ‘happiness in a sunbeam’ type poetry (please don’t, there is nothing more depressing). Waking up is hard at the moment because I want to live. I want to live. I want to move and dance and sing and run and walk and climb and scream out loud with all the passion and pleasure and pain I can muster.

I am hoping that I will be able to do this and feel good (i.e. not like I am about to have a heart attack after 10 minutes) about it. I am trying to see the goal, the light at the end of the tunnel, the destination. When I know where I am going I can write my route down. I do better with a ‘to-do’ list. Something I can cross things off and see that I’m making it.

It’s one of the reasons I’m buying a set of bathroom scales. Maybe one of those complicated ones which do BMI calculations and all that palaver.

If I can quantify this then maybe I can start to believe that my own particular change is coming.