I had a whole breathing issue and a whole sweating like a whore in church affair and the tiredness! God damn! I spent pretty much the entire day trying to catch my… it was bad. I got a look of concern from my mother… which made me panic a little. She NEVER looks concerned! Lungs are clearer now, pain has gone… Google scared the ever living crap out of me.
It was not a good day.
Mild annoyances made me fill with rage and then I all but passed out.
But then… after having a slice of the Marks and Spencer’s orgasm inducing chocolate cheesecake… the lights came on.
Then Top Gear… something to watch on a Sunday! Finally!
And then - news - I won something! That’s when I began to smile - I really should have checked my linkbacks (or whatever they’re called) earlier.
God, I love Hilly… I’ve been listening to her show while typing this which is why this is so hopeless… It’s just too good! I really should have started this earlier… but this is… oh… my fingers have stopped working… And no get your minds out of the gutter. Not like that.
It’s funny (not for me) but I have gone from ready to jump anything to not even having a naughty thought in less than a month. I need to find something to get excited about.
I have just woken up and the world has gone dark and nothing has happened except I watched a few movies and rubbed my aching back and wondered why my kidneys hurt so bloody much and couldn’t breathe earlier and Mum scared me by talking about taking me to hospital and I swear to God the first thought that came to my mind was not the usual I’ll never get out of their alive but instead was how will I post from in there which has got to be a positive if not slightly nutty step and I realised that I haven’t done my Writer’s Island post today or done part 2 of last weeks but that’s mostly because I am a little bit hopeless at the moment so okay I need to go back to sleep now as it’s just too painful being awake.
What a night, huh? Congratulations America! President Obama - its got a good ring to it.
Anyway, surprisingly that’s not what I’m blathering about today.
I spent a second day in bed. I went to the doctor and got me some CLASSIC advise.
Me: I’m feeling wiped out, massively tired, knackered - you know, not awake.
Doctor (not my usual one but a total buttwipe): What you need there is some good quality rest.
Me: ?!?!
Me (half an hour later): What is good quality rest?!?!
If anyone has the answer to this question please please tell me!
Good quality rest.
Honestly, I can’t remember the last time I had any kind of rest where I woke up and felt good about the ‘lost’ time. I imagine if I searched back through the blog posts I’d find one but, well, I really can’t be bothered. I have a vague recollection of waking up wearing a cream satin nightdress and staring straight up into the eyes of a loved one, while he told me I was blushing. I remember that day feeling happy then.
One of my favourite quotes of all time is from Elizabeth Wurtzel:
"Waking up is harder when you want to die."
No, wait, I don’t want to die - this is not in anyway a moment to get panicky and start sending me healing posts and ‘happiness in a sunbeam’ type poetry (please don’t, there is nothing more depressing). Waking up is hard at the moment because I want to live. I want to live. I want to move and dance and sing and run and walk and climb and scream out loud with all the passion and pleasure and pain I can muster.
I am hoping that I will be able to do this and feel good (i.e. not like I am about to have a heart attack after 10 minutes) about it. I am trying to see the goal, the light at the end of the tunnel, the destination. When I know where I am going I can write my route down. I do better with a ‘to-do’ list. Something I can cross things off and see that I’m making it.
It’s one of the reasons I’m buying a set of bathroom scales. Maybe one of those complicated ones which do BMI calculations and all that palaver.
If I can quantify this then maybe I can start to believe that my own particular change is coming.
I took the day off work today. I had to. Well, how can you go to work when lifting your arms is a real struggle? To say I spent the whole day asleep would be an over exaggeration but except for a 10 minute period at around 3 and when I woke a couple of hours ago - yep, pretty much the whole day.
Now, of course, I cannot sleep which means I will be knackered tomorrow - but knackered I can cope with, tired is a state of normalcy at the moment - whatever today brought me was not ‘tired’, was not ‘knackered’… today felt like my body hated me and wanted to let me know that fact.
So, I got nothing done today and I had such big high hope type plans to get writing done and Scout palaver and all the usual nonsense.
Instead what I did was play around with Zazzle… Here is the result of that…
Other than that I’m just going to do that meme that’s floating around. Stolen blatantly from Karl and Avi.
Who are you?
A weird and strange creature known as an English geek girl
What’s your Philosophy?
Anything for a quiet life
First thoughts in the morning…
Why does everything hurt? Where’s my coffee?
Your current mood is…?
Slipping into horrible blues
Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Blogging about the film that I wrote has hit Number 1 in the charts. Obviously.
Define….
Life-
A journey and a destination
Love-
Is a doing word.
Success -
Knowing that you have done all that you can
Happiness-
The end of the struggle
Death-
The end and the beginning.
Fear-
The warning in your soul
What are your views on
Abortion
Funnily enough I’m with Karl on this - both parties should have a say and it should not be a decision taken lightly but it should be an option available to all.
Why poverty exists? Because there will always be the ‘haves’ and the ‘have nots’.
The U.N-
A nice idea.
Wars- (by wars I mean wars in general)-
Giant pissing contests by those who can’t see past the end of their nose.
Suicide-
Selfish, but sometimes the only way to end the pain.
Your Faves…
Author-
Douglas Coupland
Book-
"Prozac Nation" - Elizabeth Wurtzel
Music Lyric-
"There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it’s time to face the truth,
I will never be with you."
Quote about life–
"If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn’t brood. I’d type a little faster." - Isaac Asimov
Curse Word-
fuck
Movie-
When Harry Met Sally or Ghostbusters
Movie quote-
"I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - WHMS
Final Random Thoughts…..
What would be the best job in the world?
Screenwriter
And the worst job would be?
Police Officer
What is your biggest accomplishment to date?
Getting poetry published
What do you wish to accomplish in the next 5 years?
Finishing my book, my script and my dry spell.
If you die tomorrow…
Who will speak at your funeral?
Me, through a podcast I’d record earlier.
What would you like your eulogy to say?
She tried her hardest but even she couldn’t run away from the big beastie.
How would you hope to leave this world?
(Damn you Karl for pinching my first answer) Quietly with no pain.
Would you tell anyone you were going to die?
Yes. Comment whore right to the end.
If you wrote a final letter to be read at your funeral what would it say…
I did write one before and it was full of ‘it’ll all be okay’, ‘the sun always rises and sets and I’ll be watching over you’ - crap like that. I’ll do it better next time.
Upon arriving at the pearly gates..what would God say to you?
Kettle’s on.
And finally..Your famous last words?
Of course I can help you move your piano.
What does the word for “Dots” look like in braille?
I have no idea but you can look it up here
What is a quick way to start a conversation?
Nice weather we’re having. (I’m English remember)
And a quick way to end one?
I voted for the BNP
Last words?
Sleep required but I’m not going to get it. Sigh.
The event that has been raising my blood pressure over the last few weeks is now over. Keynote worked like a bloody dream. The adapters I bought at the Apple Store on Friday did what they were supposed to do and, although my stomach was tying itself in knots for the whole thing, it went without a hitch.
Well, I mean obviously there was a small hitch but it was fixable and lovely so meh…
I can literally feel the stress draining from my body… and God it’s tiring.
I have nothing to do. Wow, I can concentrate on… me… That’s so very weird.
The thing is do I really want to? I spend most of my free time at the moment navel gazing and the last thing I need is more time.
I need…
…something to do. I need a new project. I need something to really get my teeth into. So, I think it’s time to start the writing again. I have signed up for the Writer’s Island and will be posting my first whatjamacallit tomorrow. Yes. Tomorrow. For I am taking tomorrow to re-stretch my writing muscles before I (unholy panic arising) guest post at Kapgar’s on Thursday.
But for right now I am going to sleep the sleep of a person who has nothing to do.
Am just not that talented or good at anything. Should just give it all up and get a profile page on bebo and stRt Tlkin Lik Dis. Should just start calling everyone babes and sweetheart and wear whatever they call shell suits these days and get hoop earrings and learn how to fake rap, innit?
You’ll find me soon enough listening to mainstream dance crap played from my mobile phone, huddled over a bottle oy Diamond White (appalling cider-ish crap for those who don’t know) in the middle fo a public park, hoodie pulled over my face is I can’t see the disapproving stares.
It’s got to get better right? Only three and a half days left until the Scout AGM and I STILL don’t have all the info I need.
And because of massive blood loss today and feeling faint and a little nauseas. The cold/ cough though seem to be waiting in the wings for a more sensible time to take me on.
Today I have a blank screen thing going on. It’s really yelling at me, and the distraction is causing me to lose my train of thought.
I have had trouble all day. Keeping thoughts in my head. Concentrating. Producing coherent sentences. I, who can talk for Britain, could not form sentences today without really thinking about it.
Everyone around me found it funny… jokes about ‘can I have some of what you’re drinking?’ abound. I just took it all in my stride and started to worry a little more.
Now, repeat after me, ‘Oh, shut the hell up!’
I am boring myself stupid with all this so you guys must be ready to pound my head with a cricket/baseball bat.
Part of me wishes I could forget about it for a while but being breathless after climbing two flights of stairs or a brisk walk is horrible for me. I used to have lots of energy - more than this anyway - and I weighed a lot more. I KNOW I need to lose weight but I am already dieting and can’t, physically can’t, exercise until oxygen starts being processed better by my body.
It has taken me 1 hour and 45 mins to write this post.
Oh, thank you seriously for the support and advise you have given to my brother. He smiled shyly and muttered, ‘That’s cool’ which is huge for him. He is getting advise from the Job Centre and is checking out his options.
It’s getting ridiculous. Waking up as the morning ends, reading on the couch for an hour while tickling the cat’s ear, falling asleep on said couch, going upstairs to grab my Mac, lying down, waking up three hours later… then going to bed five hours later.
Yep, that’s right cats and kittens, I’ve been awake for a total of six hours today.
And I (according to two people) look ‘peeky’.
Wednesday, and the doctor’s appointment which will give me all the answers (please oh please oh please) can’t come soon enough.
But enough of that. Let’s talk about this.
Tomorrow is Easter (or as it has become known in my head ‘the day I get to eat Chocolate and drink Dr Pepper again’).
Am considering possibly, maybe going to church tomorrow. All depends on what time I wake up and what mood I wake up in. I am having short fuse issues at the moment… and well, church has been known to annoy me a little so… yep. If not it’ll be wake, eat a breaded product with Nutella on it and move on from there…
Hopefully to something sweet and egg shaped.
One thing I forgot to mention yesterday was how much I enjoyed seeing the strangely alluring Peter Krause on teevee again in Dirty Sexy Money.
I’ve got a horrible feeling this is another show I’ll become addicted to only to have it cancelled… but while it is on I am going to love every single minute of it. Every single minute.
Probably… ah, but even if I don’t… celebrate, good time, come on… Brothers and Sisters is back soon!
I am almost at the point where I am having to slide my hands across the keyboard to press the next button as it takes too much effort to lift said hand from the board.
Almost.
I have so much to do for things (see brain’s gone) and more things arriving to do.
And I have a weird pain a little like indigestion in my left lung.
But, ooo, I watched the first episode of Pushing Daisies last night and am now in love with that show.
I would watch the next one tonight but, no, sleep is the only option.
And I finished JPod on the way home. (Oh my God, there’s a TV Show - hang on I knew that… why?)
Somebody remind me to take my camera with me tomorrow. And wake me up at 6 please. I’ve got to figure out how to password protect the damn Scout Website without using PHP… Dammit.
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