Out Of My Tree

I have been staring at you al day and still you don’t notice the tears in my eyes, still you don’t notice the pleading in face.

I have been staring at you all day with your rejection of every new thought and expectation I have.

You have no comprehension of anything going on inside me and still I feel closer to you than anything else.  Still I feel you will understand eventually and everything will be okay - or at least manageable.

You get it, right?  How I know without a doubt that everyone on the planet must be bored of me by now?

You get the fact that everything inside me has turned to lava and I am breathing fire?

You get the way my skin is crawling right off my body leaving me raw with nerves tingling and oh so sensitive?

You get it but won’t let me know for some reason which only you know and which I, stiffening into a statue face screaming silently.

I am sorry for not being who you expect me to be. I disappoint myself daily.

written by bec \\ tags: disappointment, Sorry

Sorry.

I know.  I know

But it was literally too tiring for me today to type even the most basic of posts.

I have woken up long enough to do this and my head is barely leaving the pillow.

Yes, I will phone the doctor in the morning.  I promise.  And i will try to write the best post ever tomorrow to make up for this.

I love you all.

written by bec \\ tags: apologies, Apology, sleep, Sorry, tired

Today I have a blank screen thing going on.  It’s really yelling at me, and the distraction is causing me to lose my train of thought.

I have had trouble all day.  Keeping thoughts in my head.  Concentrating.  Producing coherent sentences.  I, who can talk for Britain, could not form sentences today without really thinking about it.

Everyone around me found it funny… jokes about ‘can I have some of what you’re drinking?’ abound.  I just took it all in my stride and started to worry a little more.

Now, repeat after me, ‘Oh, shut the hell up!’

I am boring myself stupid with all this so you guys must be ready to pound my head with a cricket/baseball bat.

Part of me wishes I could forget about it for a while but being breathless after climbing two flights of stairs or a brisk walk is horrible for me.  I used to have lots of energy - more than this anyway - and I weighed a lot more.   I KNOW I need to lose weight but I am already dieting and can’t, physically can’t, exercise until oxygen starts being processed better by my body.

It has taken me 1 hour and 45 mins to write this post.

Oh, thank you seriously for the support and advise you have given to my brother.  He smiled shyly and muttered, ‘That’s cool’ which is huge for him.  He is getting advise from the Job Centre and is checking out his options.

written by bec \\ tags: Sorry, tired, you're all incredible

I was going to find a cute picture with a bunny saying sorry but instead…

(Yes, I do look like crap)

I did not want to, or mean to offend anyone with yesterday’s post. I hope we are all, y’know, okay… I mean coming out as a Conservative who supports a Democrat… what the holy hell was that about? It would be safer to play Russian Roulette with a sub-machine gun!

Just a quick question (doing a little seeing if it’s a good fundraising idea) - how much would you be willing to pay for these items in an auction?

Speaking of crazy people - if you have a spare half hour read this and marvel at how totally tapped Heather ‘water thrower’ Mills really is. You and I both know how much I hate ‘celebrity’ news but this just makes me laugh. It is, as a good friend said, ‘Car Crash Television’ but in a legal setting.

And if you have only a spare two minutes read this instead. You won’t regret it!

written by bec \\ tags: , Sorry