Out Of My Tree
I’m not ‘boring’. I’m English.
What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?
Dec 31st
Well, I’ve phoned Granny and phoned Mum and feel all kinds of happy and things. Am going to el supermarketo and buying nibbles and cava… then am going to have world’s longest bath and make myself look human, do something with this mop on my head and then go crazy.
Tonight will not be a shit new year’s eve.
Tonight will be good
Or people will suffer and die. And I will not do anything bad with anyone inappropriate. I will be a perfect angel… or something close to that …
Right. Will now burn mp3 party music disc’s and then go to shop. Ain’t life grand?
So I say [tag]Happy New Year[/tag] to all of you and hope you will join in my wish that life will be sunshine and roses ahoy for the next 365…
Christmas is coming and all through the house…
Dec 22nd
… is the general feeling of impending doom.
I don’t know… maybe it’s because of my past experiences with the Holiday season but I can’t relax. Money is an issue… as always… but I am determined to make the best of it.
Last day at work tomorrow before the break… Not sure if I’m looking forward to this break or not. Not having to leave house is good. Going back afterwards… bad…
Can’t find the energy to wrap cards or writer presents… you know how it is… but at least Granny received her parcel… so am not terrible granddaughter this year!
Have been listening to the Black Hawk Down Score almost completely on repeat. Now what does that say about my mood?
And I’m constantly horny… with no real release. Any I give myself is empty… God, how depressing. But my fantasies have got more intricate,,, and I’ve started to write them down. May sell the script to a porn producer… if I ever finish it…
Ah, the immortal mantra…
[tags]Christmas[/tags]
Sleep
Dec 16th
I have never had what you might call a normal sleeping pattern but now it is completely messed up. I have not slept through the night in a week, have barely slept during the day… and yesterday was 40 minutes late for my job becase I passed out forgetting to set my alarm.
Am idiot.
Have been watching a lot of West Wing and am still revelling in the sweet joy of perfect television. And finally have the photos of the Slayley Trip. Yes, that’s my family and a lot of trees.
Have turned my room round so I can lie in bed and surf… Need to get a keyboard with a longer cord… or a wireless one. I don’t know… I think I’m losing my mind… Or is it just pre-Christmas rubbish?
Slight Return
Dec 4th
OK, so went away with [tag]family[/tag] to [tag]Slayley Hall[/tag] in Northumberland. It’s beautiful. Pheasants staring at you as you eat breakfast staing at trees and bunny wabbits and wildness.
Strapping healthy groundskeepers and outdoorsy people teaching archery and quad biking and off road driving… Oh, and 3 or 4 hundred golfers puttering around on golf buggies…
Fresh air and hills and silence and splendour and oh god.
It was all so perfect that I didn’t want to leave.
There will be photos when Max Speilman and I chat… (Yes, I still use film camera)
Even my family were… well, you know what it’s like when you change a room round and it looks great and shiny and new for a time before the familiarity sets in? Like that. We were renewed.
Fun was had. Drinking and eating and museums (Go to the Olde Gaol in Hexham if only to see the fatal clashing of modern and ancient architecture… a steel lift!!!!) and SHOPPING and walking and the afore mentioned archery (bruise on my arm to prove it – I am medieval warrior! I hit the balloon!!!!)
Sleep. Bed at 8/9 p.m. most nights and up at 6/7 a.m.
Open curtains and breathe.
And I bought a camel. A foot long (ish) plastic camel.
And now. I am back. Well, back a week ago… But net connection nightmare thing.
But all sorted now. I hope.
Back into the monotony of everyday life.
Maybe, it will all be fine.
I Should So Be Asleep
Nov 19th
I did’t [tag]sleep[/tag] last night preferring, instead to work myself up into a frantic tizzy that has not been seen since the dark days of last year.
Things are looking better. I have things to figure out but other than that it’s all quiet on the western front.
So today I head East to Slayley Hall and a weeks R n R with my family and 100 acres of freezing cold Northumberland. Issues, as always, are there… but I just want to relax.
So… this is goodbye for now. I may email in a blog over the next week but I imagine I’ll be too drunk/drained to manage.
Words of Wisdom
Nov 17th
I was ranting yesterday about things that really bit and then… then… just to out the fake cherry on the canned cream MSN Spaces was temporarily unavalaible and lost everything.
It really set my day off.
So… pleurgh…
I don’t know… my head has been full of nonsense all day.
The Bishop of Winchester being a bastard and not passing booze. The word Digestif.
The Superted themetune… Pretty much anything but what is important.
I dont even know what is important anymore.
So I am going to have a bath (yes now) and then tidy my room… and then at 8 a.m. I am going to go to the Royal Snail sorting office and pick up my exciting parcels of joy… And then I may sleep.
Most of the Time
Nov 14th
People make me angry. People make me happy. People frustrate me. People make me feel nothing.
My good friend had a good bad day. Relationships fixed and the past rears it’s ugly head; trying to destroy the well deserved good in her life.
There are words which children shouldn’t hear.
I can’t stop the nervous energy running through my veins. There is something wrong. I wish I had a starting point to what it was.
Outside bad…
Nov 12th
The sky is still leaking. Matching my mood.
Things are, well, not good and not looking to get any better.
Hiding truths and uncertainties. Hoping friends feel good. Hoping I can keep myself together long enough to do the things I need to do.
Nonsense in my head, voices creating thick buzz I cannot escape from.
Sleep no longer exists.
Feelings of Failure
Nov 10th
It doesn’t seem to matter what I do or say I will always fail. Tonight I was at work having the usual amount of fun and I returned home to fail more at ‘life’.
Two drunk flatmates returned from their night out and I failed to see the joke of anything. Feel like I have no brain or personality left inside me.
I feel like the designated driver in life.
Feel like no one ever needs/ wants me for anything. Will be alone forever… Life is so crap. God, could I be more depressed?
Pull it together, Bec. At least you’re alive.
I am feeling slightly sick in my stomach but I’m not sure if that’s not sleeping right, not eating right, residual hangover, or maybe a portent of forthcoming nonsense… Wait and see…
At least I should get post today… My camera arrived yesterday and I can’t wait to take it out and shoot pictures. maybe at sunrise in the park. I really want to get one of the Harris Museum at night (but how to do it without appearing like a tourist?)… Mostly I just want the practice before going off to Slayley Hall… Well, at least I’ll get paid tomorrow and then I can get train tickets and some proper food… And maybe the sandwich toaster I’ve been dreaming of…
But now some sleep and dreams of better things and then get up and DO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE!!!!
I will not waste another day.
