Out Of My Tree
I’m not ‘boring’. I’m English.
Beckaday
Feb 10th
From the very start of our relationship, Neil proclaimed Wednesday to be ‘BeckaDay’.
This is the one day of the week that we will spend together whether it be going to the cinema, having dinner, or just cuddling on the sofa watching Gilmore Girls it is the one day we… well, put it like this, there has to be quite the major emergency to stop ‘our time’.
Today, though, we were going to have a cleaning day. The last few weeks has meant that we have been a little ‘lapse’ with the whole housekeeping thing. We currently live in a four room flat – a kitchen that has no storage to speak of, a bathroom that is never warm, a bedroom that needs more storage and places to put girl things and a living/dining room that is very very full of furniture…but still needs more storage.
One of the things that I never realised about moving into a man’s flat was that… a man has lived there… for a while.
Stupid? Me? Yes.
None of the furniture matches, and when I moved in, he had 2 armchairs but no sofa. There is a red wall in the living room, and the bedroom is painted blue. The rest of the flat is in man colours
Now, there is a table, and the joyous sofa, clothes are hung up and the bathroom has girly things in it. Neil is awesome when it comes to girly things… He has no problem with going to the shop for Tampax and completely understands the need for chocolate and chick flicks (yes, I even have him watching Glee - his favourite character is Sue)… and he is coming round to the idea of fresh fruit. He now steals my Strawberry Activia Yoghurt.
We were having a cleaning day but…
The best laid plans…
I got some awesome news about work and then we went on a mammoth conversation about the news and how things might change (all in a good way) and… we got lost in the land of what if. So I proclaimed a moratorium on the topic until the news becomes news.
Today was a very good day.
It was the kind of day where you define a word that you made up to entertain the dog.
Kasplootle (verb): to correct somebody else’s grammar for no other reason than for humorous purposes.
A year on…
Feb 9th
I remember when I stopped writing this blog. When it became evident to me that I wasn’t really getting anything from it and I wasn’t really giving anything out… It was almost a year ago.
Since then things have quite dramatically changed.
I have moved in with Neil.
This is Neil
.
and the other addition to my life, Jack, doing their favourite weekend activity – watching football.
Jack is a Chelsea supporter. No comment.
As some of you will know, and the rest of you are about to be told, I am a cat person. I like cats. They are low maintenance, easy to understand and… sigh… I like cats.
The thought of moving in with a dog. It just felt wrong. I did it July 1st.
Jack and I had an ‘interesting’ relationship from the start. I couldn’t understand why he needed constant entertainment and he couldn’t understand why I got upset when he ate my handbags; I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t do anything I said and he couldn’t understand why I got upset when he ate my Skechers (only my Skechers mind…); I couldn’t understand why he insisted on drooling on everything and he couldn’t understand why he insited on eating my good bras.
Neil couldn’t understand why the pair of us couldn’t just get along.
Part of me wishes that I had blogged during that period of my life but I am actually quite glad I didn’t. I got over my stupid prejudices (cats are still better) and decided that if I wanted my relationship with Neil to work I would just have to accept Jack and his fur…
It was a very good day.
Since then everything has been more peaceful.
Last night, however, I realised that I had gone beyond acceptance and had drifted over (potentially) into (dare I say it) like.
Last night Jack was attacked by a small yapper type dog, he got a bad bite on his tail. I turned into mama bear.
Yes, Jack, I now think of you as family.
On February 14th Neil and I will have been together in ridiculous happiness for 9 months.
We have had a lot of terrible things happen to the pair of us during those 9 months. We both lost a grandparent, I have had swine flu, we have stumbled from mini crisis to mini crisis but we have stumbled together.
I love my Neil and I know that I have never been happier. This is one of the many stupid reasons I wanted to start writing in this blog again. I wanted to let people know how happy I am… at last.
So, deep breath. Let’s see what happens next.
In Case You Haven’t Heard
Feb 24th
I got the job. The one I wanted, and interviewed for and got help for and felt good about and all being good with my references returning quickly I get to start next week… and then paradise is mine.
Real money
Real responsibility
Real chance of getting my life back together.
It’s all so very real.
Is this why I am shaking so much? Is it all too real?
In Case You Haven’t Heard
Feb 24th
I got the job. The one I wanted, and interviewed for and got help for and felt good about and all being good with my references returning quickly I get to start next week… and then paradise is mine.
Real money
Real responsibility
Real chance of getting my life back together.
It’s all so very real.
Is this why I am shaking so much? Is it all too real?
In Case You Haven’t Heard
Feb 24th
I got the job. The one I wanted, and interviewed for and got help for and felt good about and all being good with my references returning quickly I get to start next week… and then paradise is mine.
Real money
Real responsibility
Real chance of getting my life back together.
It’s all so very real.
Is this why I am shaking so much? Is it all too real?
In Case You Haven’t Heard
Feb 24th
I got the job. The one I wanted, and interviewed for and got help for and felt good about and all being good with my references returning quickly I get to start next week… and then paradise is mine.
Real money
Real responsibility
Real chance of getting my life back together.
It’s all so very real.
Is this why I am shaking so much? Is it all too real?
Outlet
Feb 18th
Okay. Confession. i have stopped taking my medication. I mean i’m still taking my blood pressure medication because I would be bloody stupid to top taking that and I know it works, but all the PCOS and asthma stuff that just feels like an excuse to make me spend money I have stopped… and there has been no bad effects as far as I can tell.
I have lost my appetite and am losing weight. I feel a little tired but am otherwise fine (mind you I haven’t been sleeping because of the writing but that’s another story) and well, I am so much more sensitive than usual.
Nothing more than a stiff breeze. Seriously.
So, I have started another blog because there are some things you just can’t discuss on a site where your work colleagues and people who know you go to and marvel at the fact that you can drone on and on about nothing at all at an irregular pace.
I don’t even know what I’m going to write on there yet but I feel like if I don’t have an outlet for these feelings inside me I may explode… and not in a good way.
And I am tense anyway. Job interview on Friday and I am really nervous about it.
Unintentional Drunkness
Feb 14th
Yes, it’s Valentine’s Day but we’re ignoring that at the moment.
Today there was rugby but England lost so we’re ignoring that at the moment.
I had a revelation about my writing today, I like writing fanfiction and I refuse to get all snotty about it – but we’re ignoring that at the moment.
I had a lovely conversation with a delicious person on Facebook today that made me remember all the good thins about being uninhibited and a little bit crazy and wild so I decided to really go there and got the Southern Comfort out.
Now, apart from port, which makes me do silly things like sleep with inappropriate people Southern Comfort is my ‘loosening up’ drink and I got loose tonight.
I have been trying to write an ‘angry sex’ scene for days and nothing was working. It’s been soooo long angry or otherwise that I was having trouble remembering. Thank God for the internet. I mean, I still haven’t written the scene but I can remember things now.
Tonight I had no intentions of drinking. I was going to write, read, watch a bit of Tv and potter off to bed. But instead…
There be drinkin’ here… and Prince wailing an order to Gett Off.
It’s that kind of night.
This is a being a whole different kind of Self Love post to last year.
Love to you all.
You May Have Noticed…
Feb 9th
…That I haven’t been on the blog for, ooo, a while. Well, three weeks.
This is not because I am not full of love for you all, and is not because I am dead (thank you so much for that email… you know who you are). It is purely becauseI find myself a little more uninteresting than usual… and don’t want to bore you.
Update on my life? Okay.
I work, I sleep, I write, I read, I watch TV and I work and sleep some more.
And I sing. Well, I’ve started to sing in my head. And at bus stops. But seriously, bursting into song like life is a musical isn’t all that weird, right?
Mmmm… I have been feeling a bit emotional recently. I spent some time with my bestest friend in the whole wide world and she reminded me of who I used to be before… well… before… and I am quite desperate to get back to being that person again.
It’s just so hard.
Medically, life goes on. The month on inhalers for the asthma I don’t have went by with nothing changing but we are giving it another go with a steroid addition to get the inhalers to kick start or something.
One day, I swear I am going to start rattling when I walk.
I am in the middle of a long application process I really want and am quite scared about equally. I have been given so much help and advice by everyone – apparently I need to ‘sell myself more’. Any ideas?
I am pulling my head out ofmy arse and trying to get my crap together but y’know how it is!
I am obscenely excited about things coming up in my life. March and April are going to be quite huge for me.
While, for the foreseeable future this is not going to be a daily blog I am going to try hard to update more often.
And I really do love you all.
More than you know.
Feeling Like Crap For Good Reason
Jan 15th
I totally and completely screwed up today.
I accidentally republished all aof my old Camel posts on Out of My Tree by not paying attetion to what I was doing. I was supposed to be reinstalling Camel as a complete blog on my own Hosting site so that those who want to could read it without having to go all the way to WordPress.com.
As a result of my numbskullery there was a rush of well over a hundred Tweets in less than a minute… which as you imagine was horrendous for anyone who subscribed to my Twitterfeed. And for anyone who subscribes to my Facebook statuses as they all would have drifted over there.
I am, well, a fucking idiot. This is exactly the kind of thing that I try to avoid doing as I don’t want to annoy anyone online, as they are… to be honest, the only ones I feel like I can communicate with as they don’t have to look into my eyes and see the self pitying crap that is there most of the time.
And today started off so bloody well. My iPod didn’t hate me today playing lots of Jason Mraz and I saw someone who always makes me laugh on the bus into work. Work was fun today – busy and hectic, but fun. It was almost montage-y in it’s lightness. I mean, we were all seriously getting on with work but… in a upbeat way.
I felt connected to the physical world in a way I haven’t for a long time… and it scares the ever living crap out of me.
I have been smiling a lot recently. People around me smile back. But the smile on my face is a borrowed emotion from books, music, films and the fantasies in my head. My mask is firmly back on. There is a storm gathering in my head and I’m not sure how much longer I can avoid it.
