Me? Engaged?

Yes.

I have lost my appetite and am losing weight.  I feel a little tired but am otherwise fine (mind you I haven’t been sleeping because of the writing but that’s another story) and well, I am so much more sensitive than usual.

Nothing more than a stiff breeze.  Seriously.

So, I have started another blog because there are some things you just can’t discuss on a site where your work colleagues and people who know you go to and marvel at the fact that you can drone on and on about nothing at all at an irregular pace.

I don’t even know what I’m going to write on there yet but I feel like if I don’t have an outlet for these feelings inside me I may explode… and not in a good way.

And I am tense anyway.  Job interview on Friday and I am really nervous about it.

Yep, so it’s Wednesday, middle of the week and I am feeling a little bit… down.  NO, that’s the wrong sentiment.  Not down as in climbing under the duvet and staying there for a week.  I feel…  personally useless.  Yep, that’s the one.  I have been sending out press releases for the Scouts which makes me feel a little bit useful but then  I turn to my stuff and see that it’s all a bit rubbish really.

I’ve got to shake myself out of this.  It’s either that or the cardboard box/homeless Mac owner scenario.

New city?  Maybe it really is time for a new city.  I mean Preston is lovely… sometimes… but it really enjoys smacking me around the head and I am not into the pain so much.  So…  yes, I have commitments around here but what can I do? Seriously.

Oh, I know I’ve written this (or a variation of this) over and over again but nothing really seems to change.  I know there are no magic answers and a fairy godmother isn’t going to appear out of thin air but once, just once, I would like something to go my way.  Just once.

I did something yesterday that I haven’t done in a long time.  I went and sat in a church and prayed.  Don’t know why.  I was walking past and the door was open and my feet just led me inside.   Mind you, I suppose this was a better idea than going to a bar and spending lots of cash I don’t have.

So, instead of plugging in my postcode into my favourite jobhunt website I left location blank and hunted through the hundred’s of things I might be qualified for and have blanket sent out my CV in the hope that someone somewhere will go, huh.

I have even sent some abroad in the hope that someone somewhere will go, huh, in (please God) English with an accent.

In the meantime if anyone anywhere knows any company who is looking to employ… etc etc etc.

Jeez, is it really supposed to be this hard?

[tags] work, job search, [/tags]

There’s a shadow.  It looks like someone wringing their hands together in preparation to wring my neck. OhmyGodOhmyGod ohmygodohmygodohmygod…  What the hell am I going to do?   Flicking open my phone and poising my thumb over the 9 ready to dial so the emergency services can hear my screams I gingerly put my foot on the top step.  The shadow definitely moved ohmygodohmygodohmygod – this is it.  I am going to die at the hands of a petty chav thief who got in through the walls.  Back door!  I forgot to lock the back door!!!!!!  I am so stupid – they can put that on my tombstone.  ‘Here lies Bec – she was so stupid’

Foot on the bottom step now, I can hear breathing and a weird thumping sound.  I can hear their heart beating!  Their blood must really be pumping with the promise of my murder.  I’ll put the light on and temporarily blind them before running out the front door and screaming the street down.  Yes!  Plan!  Get a good look at their faces so I can identify them later.  Infallible plan!

Wait! No!  Adam, 22 year old ‘baby’ brother is here – staying over for a couple of days.  Typical this had to happen with company in the house.  If they had come yesterday… You can’t leave him in the house to suffer the same fate.  You can’t wake him either – he has a long day ahead of him!  Okay, turn on light, surprise/blind them and negotiate your life for his or something.

Okay one two three… four five six…

Paralysed.  The shadow looks weird, like he has a third arm and he’s just waving it aound.  A bit like… the… tree outside my window.

Cough…

Locking back door now…

[tags] delusional, not home invasion[/tags]

Yes, this sucks beyond all manner of words…

Needless to say there is money involved in the not having any and wating to have more.

I will try to get down to the library and post in the next week… It may be a once a week thing at the moment… but I can’t upload anythign so the question answering videopost is staying on my Mac entertaining no one for the foreseeable!

Am wearing a rotation of my Artificial Duck t-shirts at the moment.  (Love them, Love them, Love them) and am doing not much else with my  life.  Unemployment sucks.

So, from the land of grey clouds, rain and not being able to play music while I type I wave in a pathetic manner and wish you all well.

Love you…

No really.

Right up until the moment I saw her I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. Part of me became convinced that she would leap at me and I would hit the deck in a very dramatic pool of blood but, no, it was fine. No, better than fine… things are fixed between us, unless I am very much mistaken. She knows what happened now, she understands now. I feel as if I have explained… unless… (am just slapping myself upside the head and telling myself to stop being so bloody stupid…).

Her parents are still two of the most fabulous people on the planet and everything was fine. There was a moment tonight when I could have cried it was all so perfect. The sun was out and the sounds of people having lovely conversation with a drink in their hands was so peaceful and cheering. It felt the way a summer’s day is supposed to feel…

There was someone else there that I did not know how I would feel about seeing and I’m still not sure… but bear with me while I work through it in my head.

I have been massively attracted to him for… well… years. He became my goto person in my head, my person I could see myself with if life wasn’t so complicated; my ‘happy thought’ person. I would flit with other relationships, other crushes but pretty much always go back to him. Things had occurred in the past but I knew, just knew it was just drunkedness and convenience for him but being ‘needy’ or ‘wanting’ I welcomed it – taking advantage of the drunk mind… (Beer makes everyone beautiful – even me).

With past disasters in mind (more about those in tomorrow’s post – yes, SJ, it’s the answer to your question – the videopost with everyone else’s is on Monday!) I would never pursue the matter but just wait for the ‘next’ time being absolutely sure that there would be a next time. Then, he was unavailable and I was free. I would be alone forever. It was certain. It is certain.

And then I did the horrible thing which I will NEVER forgive myself for. It was the thing which made me realise that I do not deserve to be happy and in love and all that; because how could someone deserving of those things be happy and in love and all that… do that. It was my least proud moment… It made me lose a friend for two and a half years, (as I said in the previous post the fact that she forgave me makes her a much better person than I could ever aspire to be) and it made me afraid, no terrified of seeing people who make me feel good about myself.

But, instead, I felt a little like a spare part. I was there to face my ‘demons’ (and check to see if hope was alive if I’m being honest) and once I realised the only demons were in my head (and that hope was taking a vacation) I didn’t know what to do with myself. So I threw on the public face and held conversations with the other people there… almost deliberately ignoring him; trying out little dialogues with him just to prove I could… but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was slipping away.

Oh, it could have been so so easy to stay there tonight, get completely smashed and make another mistake but, thank God, he no longer appears to be remotely interested so I can internalise this ‘wanting’ and move on. He can become another ‘whatif?’; another ‘if I had a time machine…’.

I left early. I could have joined the port drinkers but I wasn’t there for that. I was there to face things and I did. (He didn’t say goodbye, okay, I didn’t give him the chance but it still hurt – (yes, it’s female thinkin’)). I bounced along the road, iPod on, elated, full of energy, safe in the knowledge that the road ahead was exactly like my life – continuous with no one to walk with.

Now though… tears building… being totally overemotional. It’s a double edged sword. Safe in a certainty that is soul destroying.

[tags]past love, unrequited, friends,[/tags]

Ask me anything. That’s right, I’m resurrecting that particular meme. I’ve taken my truth serum and am twitching under the bright lamp shining in my eyes. You can ask me things about my past, my hopes and dreams, my regrets (I’ve had a few), my loves, my hates, preference for toast spreadables… You can ask philosophical questions, advice type questions… Questions about favourite shoe colour will be laughed at and answered… Anything with a ‘?’ at the end of it will be replied to…

I will collect questions for the next couple of days – post them as a comment here or email them and I’ll answer the lot in a post… or (in the style of Hilly) a videopost…

And if nothing comes in then I’ll sulk and write a series of posts about contemplating my navel.

I am also calling out the lurkers in the style of Avitable. I have people telling me they read my blog but I never see their names plastered here…

So, yes, I am being comment-whorey but I don’t care today. In the words of Peter Gabriel “I need contact” so come on join in the sporadic fun!

If you are getting this over at Facebook click over to the site… I don’t bite… unless you ask me to! Bad joke. Sorry.

[tags]blog post ideas, question me meme, brainless[/tags]

I have waited a day to post the news hoping beyond hope that it was all a joke but no.  The new companion for the Doctor has been announced.  It’s Catherine Tate.  

Bloody Catherine Tate.  Maybe I’m remembering her wrong.  Maybe she wasn’t awful in the Christmas special (The Runaway Bride)… Maybe she was okay-ish…

I can’t remember… Am now devoting an hour of my night to re-watching the show and deciding.    

In other news, weirdness happened today when another old friend found me on Facebook.  We used to swop notes and have a real laugh in school about a thousand years ago… I had such a good/bad/awful/fabulous/terrible time at school it always feels scary when someone from that past contacts me.  

I am seeing another next weekend.  She’ll be the first school friend I’ve met up with in 2 and a half years.  The thing is the last time I saw her I did a real horrible thing; a thing whih I will be embarrassed and horrified about, for, well, ever.  There is no apologising for some things and that was one of them.  At the time I used excuses to myself like I was being self-destructive and I deserved the hatred it would bring and blah blah blah…

My friend is amazing in the fact that she forgave me; she is a real friend…

Oh… it’s a little like jumping out of a plane and wondering if I’ll land on soft cushiony pillows or spiky spike things.  

Speaking of which, James Marsters is going to appear in Torchwood… More prettiness on the screen!    

An hour later…

Okay, Tate… she’s not all that bad… actually, quite funny… Maybe she should just stop writing her own stuff and follow the genius that is Russell T. Davis. 

As if I could ever stop watching Doctor Who…

[tags]Doctor Who, Torchwood,  old friends{/tags]

Lookie!!!

They taste really good surprisingly – so good in fact I am going to take a couple for my Mum/Dad/Brother when I see them tomorrow…

I’m having a chuffed moment as the last time two times I tried to make sweet things were the incredible frisbee sponge (too much sugar) and the flapjacks that were black on the inside (too hot an oven). I mean, I suppose you can’t really go wrong with cookies… who am I kidding I can get anything wrong in the kitchen!!! I hope Mum likes them… well the tiny bit she’ll have…

I also found (what I thought was) the impossible today – a doctor that listens! So blood tests ahoy and I may get t the bottom of what the hell is wrong with me!

Yes, I did the Simpson’s avatar thing – here’s me… couldn’t quite get the hair colour right but it’ll do…! Thanks, Dave, for pointing this out.

There is a rather large group of chavs standing on the other side of the garden wall playing really bad chart dance on their mobiles. I wouldn’t mind (well, I do) but there are two different songs going at the same time! If I wanted to get my windows smashed I would go out there and wave my fist at them but I like sheets of glass protecting me from the weird ass weather…

But it’s Friday night so I’m going to do the thing I love most in the world at the moment… drop a couple of Ibuprofen and go to bed as a stinking headache has just pounced.

Love to you all…!

[tags]cookies, doctors, Simpson’s avatar, chavs,[/tags]

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For many of you today was just another day.  For the Benoit family today was a day of pain and suffering.  Forget the fact that Chris Benoit was an entertainer/sports person; forget that he was in the spotlight at all.  He was a tortured man.  

If what is being reported is correct, he killed his wife and child and then himself.  No one knows why.  But there are some fans of WWE out there who are firmly pointing the finger at one man.  Vince McMahon – the owner/creator/big cheese in the ring – for putting too much pressure on his stars.  

Now, I have a bit of a beef with this.  An unpopular beef?  Maybe.  In the face of so much tragedy in today’s world, why on God’s green and shiny earth are we crying for Chris Benoit?  

If you are in pain and you want to take yourself out of the equation – do it.  Suicide is an option.  But, don’t… DON’T take anyone else with you.  They have had to live with the pain of knowing you. They will have lives after you are gone.  They will miss you, but that pain will lessen day after day.

His wife and child deserve our tears…   

In this case there are some obvious outside factors – McMahon’s greed, the steroid abuse, the fame… but Benoit could have walked away… he could have said (what he should have said) ‘my family is more important than the fame and money.

We’ve seen other famous people give up and go and live in the hills with their kids enjoying a life of taking out the trash and working in a little shop.  If you are causing the people you love pain by pursuing your own selfish dreams then maybe it’s time to admit you don’t love them… and set them free. 

In my past there are dark moments which I don’t like to talk about (oh, there has to several bottles lying on the floor beforehand) and I can understand pain and wanting to end it (having been on both sides of the coin)  I can.  But.  You on your own…

That’s what suicide is – the last decision you make for yourself.  

His wife and child didn’t get to make that choice.  They are the only one’s we should cry for. 

Oh and for those of you that care.  Henman won.

Update:Just realised this post made absolutely no sense… But it’s out there now. Normal service to be resumed tomorrow…

[tags] WWE, Chris Benoit dead, suicide[/tags]