I almost want to wake you up so I can tell you how I feel at this moment, so you will open those perfect eyes of yours and I can see what colour they are now.  But I know how much you need your sleep, how tired you are even though you won’t tell me, even though you go on and on and on making sure I am okay with no complaint.  You may be the most perfect man in the world.

I can almost hear you laugh at me as I say that in my head.  I know how little you think of yourself and that just makes me love you more.

I love you so much I can’t remember how it felt to not love you.  You take all of my emotional pain away which makes the physical pain bearable.

And one day.  One day we will have children and will be the family neither of us ever thought we wanted.  And even if we don’t I know that the love we have will sustain both of us until we both sit in rocking chairs covered with a thick blanket being fed apple puree in a nursing home.

It is a short 14 months ago today that you told me you loved me and I found out that it didn’t hurt to say those words to you.  5 months ago today you asked me to marry you and I assumed the position of the happiest woman alive.

Thank you for every single one of those days.

Quick moment – Jasper on horseback!  Finally!

The only thing – the engagement ring.  Ugh.

See?

I highly recommend it for all Twilight fans and anyone who is looking for a Romance movie with a spot of action in it… Or anyone who is looking for some serious eye candy.  Oh no.  This is not a film for those of you who just dabble in the eye candy arena.  You better do some light stretching first.  It’s that serious.  And doesn’t the director know it.

But that’s not really what this post is about.

Yes, this is the earliest I have been out of bed for a while and certainly the first time I have been able to sit in front of a computer screen without feeling sick.  This whole typing thing is very odd and I don’t know exactly how I going to continue with the 900 things I have to do today.  I love what I do.  I do.  I really do.  I really really do but today… and yesterday and for as long as I can remember.  It’s hard.  It’s really hard.  It’s really really… You get the picture.

I think I am just whinging now.  My other half thinks I should just let myself be ill and get on with it.  I think I am never going to get better and there are other people in the world with far bigger problems than me and… Shut up Bec?  Okay.

But that’s not really what this post is about.

This post is about call centres.  We have had 987,086,543 calls from different call centres in the past few months asking us to buy double glazing, have free unlimited calls and get rid of the viruses our computers have.  They  call one after the other and don’t stop.  Yes, we have registered with the TPS – we have been for the past year – and yes we ask every bloody company who calls to take us off their lists – to no avail. I spoke to one guy who told me that he couldn’t give me his companies information as he was not authorised to.  When I asked him how he would sell me anything then? he told me that he would give me the company info after I had bought something.  Add that to the already heinous crime of answering the call with “Er… hello?”

Those are the ones that really annoy me.  The pre -recorded ones that just call your number over and over.  One double glazing company called 23 times in one day.  23!

But the call centres that call you are irritating.  The ones that you have to call are far far far far worse.

Over the course of my working life I have worked in a number of different call centres and offices where most of the business is conducted on the phone.  The first thing you learn is that most people just want to conduct the days business and then get on with their lives.  Now, whether they are calling for a quote, or to buy a pair of shoes, or to complain that your company (because you as the call centre monkey own the entire company at that point) has destroyed their carpet when delivering that pair of shoes, you should treat them with the same level of respect and politeness that you would want to be treated.

Sounds simple enough doesn’t it?

Apparently not.

A couple of hours ago I spoke (well croaked) at this woman who works for the Benefits Agency who could barely hide the level of disinterest.  She wouldn’t give me any information, told me my enquiry was irrelevant, and dismissed me by telling me someone would call me back.  When I asked when someone would call back she said ‘Oh… 3 hours”.  I am so so so certain that I am not going to get a call… And I have no faith that if I do get a call they will be able to tell me any information anyway.

No faith at all.

My levels of tolerance are going down by the second and I am not sure how long I am going to be able to maintain my usually friendly phone persona.  I am a nice person on the phone.  I don’t want to become one of the many who…

Sorry.  Am so tired.  I think I will have another nap and then do my work later.  I woke up quite energised (for me) today.  It was the call centre that killed me.

Real money

Real responsibility

Real chance of getting my life back together.

It’s all so very real.

Is this why I am shaking so much? Is it all too real?

Real money

Real responsibility

Real chance of getting my life back together.

It’s all so very real.

Is this why I am shaking so much? Is it all too real?

Real money

Real responsibility

Real chance of getting my life back together.

It’s all so very real.

Is this why I am shaking so much? Is it all too real?

Real money

Real responsibility

Real chance of getting my life back together.

It’s all so very real.

Is this why I am shaking so much? Is it all too real?

I have lost my appetite and am losing weight.  I feel a little tired but am otherwise fine (mind you I haven’t been sleeping because of the writing but that’s another story) and well, I am so much more sensitive than usual.

Nothing more than a stiff breeze.  Seriously.

So, I have started another blog because there are some things you just can’t discuss on a site where your work colleagues and people who know you go to and marvel at the fact that you can drone on and on about nothing at all at an irregular pace.

I don’t even know what I’m going to write on there yet but I feel like if I don’t have an outlet for these feelings inside me I may explode… and not in a good way.

And I am tense anyway.  Job interview on Friday and I am really nervous about it.

This is not because I am not full of love for you all, and is not because I am dead (thank you so much for that email… you know who you are).  It is purely becauseI find myself a little more uninteresting than usual… and don’t want to bore you.

Update on my life?  Okay.

I work, I sleep, I write, I read, I watch TV and I work and sleep some more.

And I sing.  Well, I’ve started to sing in my head. And at bus stops.  But seriously, bursting into song like life is a musical isn’t all that weird, right?

Mmmm… I have been feeling a bit emotional recently.   I spent some time with my bestest friend in the whole wide world and she reminded me of who I used to be before… well…  before… and I am quite desperate to get back to being that person again.

It’s just so hard.

Medically, life goes on.  The month on inhalers for the asthma I don’t have went by with nothing changing but we are giving it another go with a steroid addition to get the inhalers to kick start or something.

One day, I swear I am going to start rattling when I walk. 

I am in the middle of a long application process I really want and am quite scared about equally.  I have been given so much help and advice by everyone – apparently I need to ‘sell myself more’.  Any ideas?

I am pulling my head out ofmy arse and trying to get my crap together but y’know how it is!

I am obscenely excited about things coming up in my life.  March and April are going to be quite huge for me. 

While, for the foreseeable future this is not going to be a daily blog I am going to try hard to update more often.

And I really do love you all.

More than you know.

I accidentally republished all aof my old Camel posts on Out of My Tree by not paying attetion to what I was doing.  I was supposed to be reinstalling Camel as a complete blog on my own Hosting site so that those who want to could read it without having to go all the way to WordPress.com.

As a result of my numbskullery there was a rush of well over a hundred Tweets in less than a minute… which as you imagine was horrendous for anyone who subscribed to my Twitterfeed.  And for anyone who subscribes to my Facebook statuses as they all would have drifted over there.

I am, well, a fucking idiot.  This is exactly the kind of thing that I try to avoid doing as I don’t want to annoy anyone online, as they are… to be honest, the only ones I feel like I can communicate with as they don’t have to look into my eyes and see the self pitying crap that is there most of the time.

And today started off so bloody well.  My iPod didn’t hate me today playing lots of Jason Mraz and I saw someone who always makes me laugh on the bus into work.  Work was fun today – busy and hectic, but fun.  It was almost montage-y in it’s lightness. I mean, we were all seriously getting on with work but… in a upbeat way.

I felt connected to the physical world in a way I haven’t for a long time… and it scares the ever living crap out of me.

I have been smiling a lot recently.  People around me smile back.  But the smile on my face is a borrowed emotion from books, music, films and the fantasies in my head.  My mask is firmly back on. There is a storm gathering in my head and I’m not sure how much longer I can avoid it.