Out Of My Tree

When you wake up on the day of an event and the sky is grey and your foot hurts because you slept on it funny and you feel hot and urgh, the last thing you probably want to do is spend any significant amount of time with a lot of people you don’t know (and your family) on a coach for about 5 hours. Well, that’s what I was looking forward to on Sunday.

The weather slowly improved and after a drooling shorting snooze I felt better too. Watford Gap and the best BLT I had tasted in a while sorted me out for another sleep and the next thing I knew we were in London. Yes, I slept through England’s green and pleasant land.

The first moment I saw the Wembley arch I got a little buzz but it wasn’t until I got off the coach at The Green Man Hotel (our coach park and ‘refreshment centre’) that the excitement really built. Have to say getting up there was ‘interesting’ -the hill was so steep that as the coach got onto it the exhaust banged on the group - lovely!

We got our pints (well you have to really - London prices are apparently the same as Preston so let’s end that particular myth) and wandered out into the beautiful beer garden, where the temperature was a balmy 9000 degrees (measured on the Exaggeration Scale) and soaked in the atmosphere - seeing people we knew enjoying themselves and getting psyched up for the match was a tonic to the long coach ride. We walked down another steep hill and past a car park melting all the time… and there it was.

Stunning.

The last time I was at Wembley was for the Toxic Twin Towers Ball (Aerosmith/Lenny Kravitz/Black Crowes concert) in 1999, so before the redevelopment, when it was a historic mess. The new one shines.

Like a national stadium should.

Lovely.

We passed ‘the enemy’ (everyone apparently decided to walk round the stadium to find their gate as opposed to being on the right side!), passed Bobby Moore and then found gate G.

Inside, past the happiest ticket collector in the world, and then through the thorough searching (where I laughed at the idiots who didn’t check the website first) it took barely a moment to find our block and then out into the sunlight again to the most beautiful sight of the day.

Oh wow, that moment is going to stay with me for a long time - the noise, the music, the bright red and the lush green, the perfect blue of the sky and the white of the steps. Every colour is planted in my head.

I almost groaned when I saw we were behind five apparently unattended children - one with a noisemaker that was nearly surgically made part of his anatomy, but it all got better when an old friend appeared out of nowhere and offered m e much needed sun protection.

The teams came out and the National Anthem was sung with an enthusiasm I haven’t heard in a while - it really did lift my heart at that moment.

Then the match (For a fuller match report see here ) - the first half was a little nervy not helped when one of our guys planted a goal… in the wrong net. Lowestoft were winning without even trying. The crowd kept it ll going with a few Mexican waves… As half time arrived it was looking bleak to say the least. I think one of the comments made from our section was something long the lines of ‘How much is Lowestoft paying you, ref?)

A fight to show just how good we are at queueing in the UK for the not overly expensive drinks served by a person who genuinely seemed to enjoy her job (apparently food is where they make their money at Wembley) and then back to the seats where the second half had just begun.

It settled and we had shot after shot after shot at the goal but the Lowestoft keeper seemed to have magnetic hands. It looked like it wasn’t going to be our day when, 10 minutes from the end, Super-Matt, our 17 year old came on and turned things around. A breath later it was…

…and then it was…

and our 4,000 strong crowd went wild, while the 15,000 Lowestoft fans fell silent for the first time all game.

The final whistle went several scary moments later and the party started.

Always worried about being left behind, we tramped to the coach where I nearly died climbing the steep steep hill, and I sat trying to breathe again… We had won we had won we had won. I wasn’t in any way putting all my hopes on this match but suddenly the world felt hopeful again. Suddenly it felt like things were possible again. Nothing was bothering me - not the annoying kids on the coach, not the people who were late back, nothing. I stuck my iPod in my ears and smiled all the way home.

Arriving back on the stroke on 11pm, the town was already in party mode. All the pubs were open and full, flags and smiles and scarves and hats and t-shirts all showing the pride we all felt.

A brief consideration to stay out and get ‘hammered’ was over-ruled in favour of a ‘cup of tea and bed’.

It’s amazing how much a sports event can change the way you feel if only for a day. And as this is already quite long, I’ll tell you about today… tomorrow.

(Yes the camera work is dodgy as all hell - I was dancing, k?)

Well done lads!

written by bec \\ tags: FA Vase Final, Kirkham and Wesham FC, Wembley

I really really need to sleep tonight

I have to be up at the arse crack of dawn like a couple of thousand other people in this lovely town to catch coaches to London to see Kirkham and Wesham FC play in the biggest match of their lives.

I know that you know this match is going ahead for you live in this town and you can’t miss the posters and displays.

I know that you know this because I know that you are going too.

So why the unholy hell are you playing rubbish beep beep dance shite at a volume usually reserved for, well, Wembley?

I’ll tell you what? You turn your music down, or put something decent on and I won’t burn your house down.

I can legally kill you because I got my period today. (Woohoo!)

Do not make me put clothes on and march round there. You won’t like it.

Oh, your garden looks very nice.

Your neighbour.

written by bec \\ tags: neighbour, noise, period returns

Today was very much a day when I could have done with the sun being out all day, but it wasn’t to be.

The first and last time I was aware of the sun today was at around 7:45pm-ish when I took this.

And I promised myself an early night. I am to be parked in front of my laptop all weekend… so will be online for all kinds of work avoidance!

written by bec \\ tags: photographs, photography, sunset

I had big plans for being asleep about 2 and a half hours ago.  But it’s too hot.  I know.  I’m talking about temperatures that would make a Californian or Floridian (is that right?) put a sweater on but I am English and the Summer came all of a sudden… surprising everyone… and now we are all feeling… er… sticky.

I would like to thank everyone for their help yesterday.  I have decided to take another look at the song next week when the evil hormone has left my system…

I have been looking at ways to entertain myself (which I think is part of the grumpiness issue - boredom).  I think if I get a hobby or something I will feel more stimulated and therefore more… alive.

More alive would mean more energy and then… hopefully… a real opportunity to exercise properly and look less like the Michelin Man.

I am considering buying  a bike.  It feels like a good idea except for the looking like an idiot and drowning in sweat everytime I go down the road… but I have to do something as the bus is becoming irksome.

Today it was less ‘bloody kids’ and more totally gross.

Some guy got on with a weird looking carrier bag full of something and sat down at the front.  And then the bag split just a little but enough…

To let a couple hundred live maggots out onto the floor.

The guy got off the bus and everyone moved to the back.  The driver didn’t know what we knew so couldn’t figure out why we were all making odd comments and got a bit ’snotty’.

The maggots started crawling up the bus towards us.  I have NEVER been so glad to get to my stop.

But… having to walk through them was so horrible it’s… yep… making me throw up a little.

Dammit.  Now I’ve got to shower again.

Ugh.

written by bec \\ tags: gross bus, heatwave, sticky

Okay. I need some help - I think we all know that to be true. The way my mind and mood and all that palaver is at the moment I need to check one thing to be true, because I nearly very much lost my cool today…

Over a campfire song.

This is the offending item:

The Indians they are
High minded
Bless my soul
They’re double jointed
They climb hills and
Don’t mind it
All day long

As soon as I saw this my Political Correctness alarm went off. Especially considering that this is to be sung by children. Am I being too sensitive or is this one of those songs that should be deleted from any list that it appears on? To me it just feels offensive… Am I losing my mind?

The second thing I need hep about is from someone who has/ had ties with a Boy Scout of America Troop. To explain. My brother has nearly finished all his work for his Scout Leader Warrant. He needs to do one more section - International. He is doing the good ol’ US and is going to host a meeting filled with all things American on… wait for it… July 4th! He needs help with any traditions, games, activities, food or anything else that the Boy Scouts of America may do/ have at their meetings… any help would be greatly appreciated!

Also it was decided today at work that I should get into politics and become Prime Minister… There are a lot of things that need sorting out - like a careful rota for people with buggies to go out when other people don’t need to use the streets… and making it a crime to use Marks and Spencers at lunch time to do your weekly shop… or not buy lunch.,,

Obviously an overhaul of the NHS and schools - how would I pay for this?

Every single time someone complains about a mobile phone being used to play music without the use of headphones the manufacturer of the phone gets fined a billion pounds? A little excessive? No… no… no… And the person holding the phone at the time gets headphones surgically implanted in their ears.

Another thing that I’m sure will be a vote winner is my new improved punishment for litter droppers (this will include dropping ash from a cigarette on the ground). They get the choice of an on the spot fine of £1000 (for anything smaller than a Mars Bar wrapper (anything larger and it’s £5000 an item) or 120 hours picking up litter dressed as an animal of the local Judge’s choice.

There was a suggestion for Chav parks, like Dog Parks - sectioned off parts of public parks where the idiot children of Britain can hang out safely away from the good people. These would be surrounded by the lovely mosquito teenage alarms just in case they tried to escape… and they would have to be dropped off and picked up by their parents.

Oh and for the little sods that did manage to annoy anyone? A 2 year stint in either the Army or a tough boarding school… if their grades slipped to the Army they go…

It’s a start. Who wants to be my campaign manager?

written by bec \\ tags: Boy Scouts of America, campfire song, policies, Politically correct, prime minister

Well today two things happened. One, I drank a huge amount of coffee starting with an early morning bucket and ending up with a just smaller than a bucket. This achieved nothing but made the shaking in my hands slightly more rhythmic. The other thing that I did was ring the hospital to see about my PCOS treatment plan appointment. I was informed I was given that in April. I said, incredulously ‘the only appointment I was given in April was for August and you can’t mean…’

Oh yes they can.

So. I know I have it but there is nothing to be done about it for another three months. How does this make me feel?

See? Now that’s why I don’t draw.

written by bec \\ tags: drawing, i am a bad drawer, waiting

I have been staring at you al day and still you don’t notice the tears in my eyes, still you don’t notice the pleading in face.

I have been staring at you all day with your rejection of every new thought and expectation I have.

You have no comprehension of anything going on inside me and still I feel closer to you than anything else.  Still I feel you will understand eventually and everything will be okay - or at least manageable.

You get it, right?  How I know without a doubt that everyone on the planet must be bored of me by now?

You get the fact that everything inside me has turned to lava and I am breathing fire?

You get the way my skin is crawling right off my body leaving me raw with nerves tingling and oh so sensitive?

You get it but won’t let me know for some reason which only you know and which I, stiffening into a statue face screaming silently.

I am sorry for not being who you expect me to be. I disappoint myself daily.

written by bec \\ tags: disappointment, Sorry

Well the mood swing really hit today. I went from ‘calmer than a calm thing in zen’ town through ’snappy bitch type toy dog creature biting people’s ankles’ land and ‘floods of hot angry tears’ ville arriving at ‘too tired to care than I’m weeping and looking like an idiot’ city.

The hormone thing I am taking is supposed to kick start my menstrual cycle again. They warned me that it would affect my moods (and it even offers caution against taking it with a history of depression) so I knew to expect everything to fall a little blue but this is ridiculous. It is even falling over into my blog world. In the past week I have…

• …made less sense than usual;
• …put out a half finished thought;
• …been even lazier than usual;
• …been preachy;
• and been self pitying

and have been hiding the shooting pains that have been emanating from my ovaries; the sick feeling, the dizziness, the cough (which has torn my throat lining so now I have a bad sore throat) and the horrible disappointment that nothing has appeared yet. I haven’t felt like a ‘real’ woman for years because of the no-period thing, having a reason for it is great but the little white pills were supposed to bring back the monthly reminder of my feminine status. Now I am one day off finishing the dose of pills and nothing has appeared I feel even less like a woman and more like a blob who can’t even get responding to medication right. And I know different people react in different ways but I am marinading in my irrationality at the moment.

I have also not received a new appointment from the Gynae clinic to discuss my PCOS so no treatment plan has been set for that, and when I rang them on Friday they didn’t even know that I was supposed to have one. Doesn’t bode well.

And things in general are disappointing me. I am amazed at how behind the times some people are proving to be and how naive they are. And how offensive some people are whether or not they mean to be.

I find myself biting my tongue so much I’m surprised it hasn’t fallen off. My whole body is shaking with anger and resentment and I just wan to lash out. It’s worse than it was six weeks ago and I know it isn’t doing my blood pressure any good. My heart was beating so hard earlier I felt like I was physically jumping with the pulse.

I have been trying to manage my depression without medication for about five and a half years now and it hasn’t worked. I have drifted between feeling too good for words and hopeless. Part of me knows that this is ‘just a phase’ but I am finding it increasingly difficult to function through this phase. If I look back at my diaries I can see it is usually around this time of year that the phases spiral out of control.

And I can’t see a way out of this.

Damn. There’s the self pity again.

written by bec

All day I have been sat outside with my Mac, a jacket, the cat, and a continuous flow of plum and pomegranate tea. Yes, it has been a little chilly, but the sun was out for most of it.

Why, you may ask, why was I doing this stupid thing? The answer is short and quite dumb.

I have a lot of work to do and I thought I would get distracted less if I sat outside. Yes. Dumbass.

The birds were singing loud enough to be heard over my headphones and there were buzzing and flappy things all over the plants that surrounded me. About 9 million neighbourhood cats came to point out my mistakes and I was almost hit in the head by a football from the ‘delightful’ children. I think everyone in the local vicinity decided that today was the day they were doing to cut, strim, hoover or blow their grass away, and the idiots on the road decided that revving their cars was the thing to do today.

Yeah, outside was the place to be today,

And I got nothing done, so now I feel guilty about the hour and a half I took off to watch Doctor Who and Confidential. But, boy, was that good!

written by bec \\ tags: distractions, inside good, outside bad

Yes, the site’s gone a lurid shade of green. It’s Spring don’t you know?! There’s sunshine and blossom on the trees and birds tweeting all bloody day. People are taking their jackets ff, the trendies are wearing large sun glasses that make them look like flies and there is a smell of fake tan lotion about.

On a day like today how could I not add in this video? (NSFW)

Yeah, that’s all I got. See, my minds still in last month’s zone.

Oh, BTW, I am really very very very very sorry about not visiting your blog. The hormone pills are wiping me out… just as my life gets busy. But it’s a Bank Holiday weekend so I’ll be there to love and comfort you… or something.

written by bec \\ tags: First of May, Jonathan Coulton, spring