Out Of My Tree

I got the job. The one I wanted, and interviewed for and got help for and felt good about and all being good with my references returning quickly I get to start next week… and then paradise is mine.

Real money

Real responsibility

Real chance of getting my life back together.

It’s all so very real.

Is this why I am shaking so much? Is it all too real?

I got the job. The one I wanted, and interviewed for and got help for and felt good about and all being good with my references returning quickly I get to start next week… and then paradise is mine.

Real money

Real responsibility

Real chance of getting my life back together.

It’s all so very real.

Is this why I am shaking so much? Is it all too real?

I got the job. The one I wanted, and interviewed for and got help for and felt good about and all being good with my references returning quickly I get to start next week… and then paradise is mine.

Real money

Real responsibility

Real chance of getting my life back together.

It’s all so very real.

Is this why I am shaking so much? Is it all too real?

I got the job. The one I wanted, and interviewed for and got help for and felt good about and all being good with my references returning quickly I get to start next week… and then paradise is mine.

Real money

Real responsibility

Real chance of getting my life back together.

It’s all so very real.

Is this why I am shaking so much? Is it all too real?

Okay.  Confession.  i have stopped taking my medication.  I mean i’m still taking my blood pressure medication because I would be bloody stupid to top taking that and I know it works, but all the PCOS and asthma stuff that just feels like an excuse to make me spend money I have stopped… and there has been no bad effects as far as I can tell.

I have lost my appetite and am losing weight.  I feel a little tired but am otherwise fine (mind you I haven’t been sleeping because of the writing but that’s another story) and well, I am so much more sensitive than usual.

Nothing more than a stiff breeze.  Seriously.

So, I have started another blog because there are some things you just can’t discuss on a site where your work colleagues and people who know you go to and marvel at the fact that you can drone on and on about nothing at all at an irregular pace.

I don’t even know what I’m going to write on there yet but I feel like if I don’t have an outlet for these feelings inside me I may explode… and not in a good way.

And I am tense anyway.  Job interview on Friday and I am really nervous about it.

…That I haven’t been on the blog for, ooo, a while.   Well, three weeks.

This is not because I am not full of love for you all, and is not because I am dead (thank you so much for that email… you know who you are).  It is purely becauseI find myself a little more uninteresting than usual… and don’t want to bore you.

Update on my life?  Okay.

I work, I sleep, I write, I read, I watch TV and I work and sleep some more.

And I sing.  Well, I’ve started to sing in my head. And at bus stops.  But seriously, bursting into song like life is a musical isn’t all that weird, right?

Mmmm… I have been feeling a bit emotional recently.   I spent some time with my bestest friend in the whole wide world and she reminded me of who I used to be before… well…  before… and I am quite desperate to get back to being that person again.

It’s just so hard.

Medically, life goes on.  The month on inhalers for the asthma I don’t have went by with nothing changing but we are giving it another go with a steroid addition to get the inhalers to kick start or something.

One day, I swear I am going to start rattling when I walk. 

I am in the middle of a long application process I really want and am quite scared about equally.  I have been given so much help and advice by everyone – apparently I need to ’sell myself more’.  Any ideas?

I am pulling my head out ofmy arse and trying to get my crap together but y’know how it is!

I am obscenely excited about things coming up in my life.  March and April are going to be quite huge for me. 

While, for the foreseeable future this is not going to be a daily blog I am going to try hard to update more often.

And I really do love you all.

More than you know.

I totally and completely screwed up today.

I accidentally republished all aof my old Camel posts on Out of My Tree by not paying attetion to what I was doing.  I was supposed to be reinstalling Camel as a complete blog on my own Hosting site so that those who want to could read it without having to go all the way to Wordpress.com.

As a result of my numbskullery there was a rush of well over a hundred Tweets in less than a minute… which as you imagine was horrendous for anyone who subscribed to my Twitterfeed.  And for anyone who subscribes to my Facebook statuses as they all would have drifted over there.

I am, well, a fucking idiot.  This is exactly the kind of thing that I try to avoid doing as I don’t want to annoy anyone online, as they are… to be honest, the only ones I feel like I can communicate with as they don’t have to look into my eyes and see the self pitying crap that is there most of the time.

And today started off so bloody well.  My iPod didn’t hate me today playing lots of Jason Mraz and I saw someone who always makes me laugh on the bus into work.  Work was fun today – busy and hectic, but fun.  It was almost montage-y in it’s lightness. I mean, we were all seriously getting on with work but… in a upbeat way.

I felt connected to the physical world in a way I haven’t for a long time… and it scares the ever living crap out of me.

I have been smiling a lot recently.  People around me smile back.  But the smile on my face is a borrowed emotion from books, music, films and the fantasies in my head.  My mask is firmly back on. There is a storm gathering in my head and I’m not sure how much longer I can avoid it.

Coffee, free wi-fi and 30 minutes peace.  That’s everyday after work and before I go home where I can’t concentrate.

And I have to find a screwdriver when I get home as there is somethign decidedly loose on the bottom of my MacBook.

Oh, and can someone remind me to send out the Scout minutes.

And to buy some more work appropriate tops as I have just realised I have worn the same 5 in rotation for the last three weeks.   I swear people at work!  I do have other clothes.  Just to prove it I may wear a skirt tomorrow.

Unlikely.  But I may.

Damn, it took so long to get my coffee that now I have to go.

Seriously.

Right on the chops.

I have got to SNAP out of this.  I mean I don’t have it as bad as some people but I have got to distract myself with something non Twilight related.  Bit difficult when I’m writing Twilight fan fiction but it’s becomeing something everyday.

Am I having my teenage super obsessional years now?  I mean, my God, I found myself watching HSM2 on TV today! The second one – the un-good one!

Oh God!  I’m using words like un-good!

Before you know it I’ll be hanging posters of prettiness on my door and saying goodnight to them.

I’m in trouble.

Today, apparently, is Step in a Pubble and Splash Your Friends Day

But typically it is not raining here (for a change) so I can’t.

Big melodramatic sigh.

…

…

Sorry.

Just feeling a little lonely today.  I know it’s my fault for not being sociable.

I am always being told what an outgoing and social person I am. “Wow, you’re so good with people.”

No.  I really am not.  It’s all just an act and I am having trouble with the part I am supposed to play.

I kinda just want to hide in the dark and listen to music if that’s okay?