Out Of My Tree

If you follow me on Twitter you will already know the news that I am the road of looking for a job.  Again.  My CV is starting to look like a hodge podge of job after job after job.  Each time the contracts end, the good and great prospects drift away - each time health is the main cause, the why and wherefore, the reason that I have to go.

At least this job was nice about it.  ‘If any positions come up in the future… when you are feeling better… apply… do!’  But as I smiled  (a missed message from my agency on Friday meant I went in today) at the familiar faces and the familiar surroundings that I had begun to love so much my heart broke just a little bit more.

It was my fault.  I had dared to dream and once again my body and heart were singing from different song sheets.

And my agency were lovely about it but it is that time of the year - when the students come home and no one wants to hire 30 year olds who want proper money and to have a job that won’t bore them crapless.

Oh, dammit, I’ve left my shoes there.  And my David Tennant mug.  I’ll go in tomorrow and pick them up.  At least it will get me out of the house for a bit.

I can feel the tears building but I don’t see the point in releasing them.  I’ve been here before and until I get this damn health crap sorted I’ll be here again.  Bright side?  More time to sit down at the doctors and bug the hell out of them.  Bright side?  More time to concentrate on writing that award winning novel.  Bright side?  Nah, that’s it.

Because I didn’t sleep at all last night, my head feels slightly fuzzy and I’m burning up.  I want nothing more than to put my head on my arm and go to sleep right here at the table… let someone throw a blanket over me and I’ll be asleep in minutes… and then I can stay asleep and avoid the oncoming nightmare…

At least I don’t have a place of my own.  At least I don’t have any dependents.  At least I don’t have any immediate future plans.

written by bec \\ tags: looking for work, time to finish the novel!, unemployed

Why is it when you are not feeling on top of your game that people think that now is a good time to ask you to do things? Went back to the doctors today and my blood pressure has gone up… I have to avoid the stressful things in my life. Heh. So pretty much so long as I hide in this room with my eyes tightly shut then I should be okay. Damn it.

Anyway onto the favour - July 4th was last week - but in true Scout style we are holding a mini version at the hut this Friday. It is the last practical thing my sweet and lovely brother has to do to get his Scout Warrant. (He has to face the warrant board after this but we’re worrying about that as we cross that bridge). Anyway, what he needs to put the icing on the cupcakes we have already got planned is an alternative individual cakey thing for the little darlings that don’t like frosting. yes, these kids do exist… We have hit on muffins but every muffin recipe we have found doesn’t taste… good.

Do any of you out there have a muffin recipe that will blow the assessors head’s clean off? Or do you have any other ideas? All help will be greatly appreciated.

Oh and with Tenuous Connections? I am entirely out of the running but thanks to Kevin, , Cap, DutchBitch and Lady Jaye Penelope still has a chance! Obviously vote with your conscience but you know it’s right. Come on, she’s a mum, she’s sexy and she’s a damn fine blogger! Let’s win the woman some plonk! Click on the logo below and just leave a comment along the lines of “I vote Penelope!” - you can even copy and paste that for ease of voting!

written by bec \\ tags: favour, July 4th help needed, Tenuous Connections 2008

Panting and everything today, it was a weird lung day but ahhh…. enough of that.

I’ve spent all day trying to write things and have come up with exactly nothing.  That’s right, nothing.

I need and have to get out there and breathe the world in - stimulate the old synapses.  ONe way or another I have to start living and breathing normally again.

i had a row with my mother today.  She, in an off the cuff way, told me that she has been aches in her chest.  Now, she wouldn’t have mentioned it if it wasn’t concerning her and she certainly wouldn’t have gone to the doctors and got checkd out if it hadn’t scared her… and the doctors told her to rest so what is she doing?  Running about like a lunatic and refusing to sit down.

I’m being a little bit selfish but I’ve got enough to be worrying about at the moment without knowing that Mum could end up in hospital again.

Mind you the way I was feeling today there could be three generations in hospital at the same time.

Whinging?  Yes.  Whining?  Oh-ho yes!  I need a shower.

written by bec \\ tags: family crap, whining

There didn’t seem to be much interest in the whole day to be honest. Worn out with events of recent times and gaining further details of Granny’s slide into giving up from Mum, it was hard to gee up enthusiasm.

Dad is one of those who dies not like a fuss being made, and not in the ‘No, please don’t make a fuss of me (oh, please do)’ way that I am.

But, we did the traditional things – bought Dad presents – which I left up to the brother (Dad’s only hobby is his allotment = gardening = thing I know nothing about.) and then took hi out for a meal during which we allowed him the honour of telling lots of embarrassing stories about us. We were all so tired we were home again by 8:30 and then it was pretty much falling asleep in the chair time.

I woke up long enough to write this and go to bed.

Yes, my life is this exciting.

written by bec \\ tags: Father's Day

Oh today people. Today, I was almost all kinds of fantastic.

Oh yes I was. No seriously. Stop looking at me like that! I was!

Alright, I wasn’t. I had a moment of genius which I can’t talk about because I can’t talk about my job but just accept I am a living God and move on.

I have put my woolly coat on, got down on all fours and baa-ed loudly for all the world to hear. I have signed up at Zazzle and am in the process of designing some rather splendid t-shirts and other items. Of course in true ‘me’ fashion they are in no way ready yet, purely because I am blogging now and then finishing them later… But soon you will marvel at the mediocrity of my produce and buy some of Karl’s instead (see, whoring myself out to Dave yesterday and Karl today)

The logo on them is the tree - yes that one up there - but simplified and in various colours… like these.

I like them… and am needing to find new and improved ways of earning money to finance a way ‘up’. Of course, I expect a major chain to pick them up immediately and to see on the back of people like Paris Hilton and Kate Moss as soon as next week.

In other news I started watching The Net (the Sandra Bullock film, not the series) as a flicked onto after Chuck… and my mind, as it does, started to wander if my family disappeared and I got myself into a pickle like dear Miss Bullock, would anyone be willing to stick their neck out and say ‘yes, that’s Bec’? Not saying, would people be able to physically identify me because there are quite a few people who know this face but would anyone be willing to risk getting into the deep water with me and drown? When the mind starts to wander like this there is only one thing to do - switch off the TV and make more brightly coloured ‘Tree products.

And on that particular piece of insanity I leave you to go to dreamland… where hopefully I will be chased by one or two of my favourite fantasies.

written by bec \\ tags: Dave, karl, t-shirts, zazzle

I feel a little like lying in a field under a tree today. I feel like staring at the sky letting the rain fall on my face while I listen to nothing but the world.

Tomorrow will be a good day.

written by bec \\ tags: hope, tree

Yes. I know this was supposed to be my Writer’s Island post but that will be tomorrow. I promise.

Right now I have to write about something else. The way I am feeling and memories and pain and joy and the whole human condition.

It’s a good good month for sports for me. Kirkham and Wesham winning was joy and sunburn and loveliness. They are, yes, my home team and very good they are too. But my heart will always belong to Manchester United. And tonight they reached the Promised Land. Again.

This post will be a bit rambly but I’m having a happy right now so please bear with me.

Penalties at the end of match are a rubbish way to end a match and truly fantastic in a heart stopping ‘oh my unholy God please get in the back of net yeah!’ way (or invariably ‘you complete moron what the hell did you put in the bottom left for - everybody knows you always put it there wanker’ way). It is a certainty of international football (please just accept it is football and not soccer) that if England have a penalty shootout in a big match they may as well not bother. We always lose. Tonight, in the Champion’s League Final in Moscow the rain saved us when John Terry slipped and missed. I really did feel for him at that point but also had joy as it gave us another chance.

I haven’t talked much (if at all) about being a Manchester United supporter on the blog for three very good piss poor reasons:

• Most of the time I forget
• I find it boring to drivel on about the team when they… just don’t excite me anymore.
• I am a bad fan

The last time they really excited me was just after the horrible breaking of heart and the last time they won the Champion’s League - 26th May 1999.

We had followed the matches through the whole season - spending time in the pub knocking back many pints and getting horribly excited. The drama was high anyway but as the Treble became a possibility every single match became a reason to feel joy… and the potential for even more joy later. Everything gets tied up in football results for me. That night meant so much to me emotionally. As well as the most I’ve ever screamed at a television (I watched the final in my house for fear of going out and seeing him) on my own (everyone else went out) in the dark (the lights were dodgy and I couldn’t be bothered - it fitted my mood). I had one eye on the teevee for the first half - part of me hoping he would come round… part of me praying that I would win too.

By the time the second half rolled round I didn’t care anymore. We were losing 1-0 and that was it. At 85 minutes I came so very very close to switching off the box and going to duvet land.

I’m so very very glad I didn’t.

For those of you who didn’t see it. This is what happened next.

This was the moment. The moment when I believed in miracles for a moment, when my broken heart mended for a moment. As Sir Alex said afterwards, "Football. Bloody hell."

It didn’t fix my life, but it even now makes me feel it.

Tonight, at a time in my life when there is no drama, the match doesn’t mean as much to me but I want to and feel as if I can start to believe in miracles again.

So, congratulations Manchester United (I have to say well done to Chelsea too - my heart did break for John Terry) - you made me smile again… and do a little victory dance

written by bec \\ tags: champions league, football, manchester united

Yes. I have been through Carousel and have arrived in the new world.

It was a perfect quiet birthday. Work was wonderful - the lovely lovely people I work with got me a new phone

and embarrassed me thoroughly.

Home was peaceful and lovely and full of cake and wrapping paper and things.

New camera joy which I will get the hang of…

and flowers and… things.

A day spent smiling makes Bec a tired girl. Bed now. Day off tomorrow.

Thank you for the e-cards, messages, emails, pokes tweets and comments. I love you all. You make it all worthwhile.

written by bec \\ tags: 30, birthday, photos

So last night I was awake and rubbing my cat’s chest while keeping her warm. She has a chest infection which at her age is really serious. She has been panting like (she won’t like me saying this, but) a dog for the last couple of days and last night she was panting so hard I though she was going to do herself an injury. She hasn’t eaten anything in about two days which, for my furry dustbin, is extremely unusual. Add that to the fact that she has been shivering and her body temperature has dropped so much even her tongue has been cold and it all adds up to a scary scary time.

Last night, instead of sleeping, I sat up with her and helped her breathe with the aforementioned chest rubbing, and lots of praying.

There has been a lot of extremely worried tears from me this weekend, lots of distracting myself and lots of denial… but something worked, because at about 5:30 this morning the panting stopped and a purr came out. And then she licked my fingers… and then she wobbled out of my arms to her food bowl and ate something.

I have never been so relieved in all my life.

And now I am playing the distraction game again and going to bed early to stop thinking about tomorrow. I know I’m panicking over nothing. It’s going to be fine.

written by bec \\ tags: , cat, ill, worry

To say that I am drunk and therefore incapable of writing the post I was going to write celebrating my parent’s 25th anniversary would be pretty much spot on. Instead I leave you with this

and this…

and say I love you Mum and Dad. Congratulations.

written by bec \\ tags: happy anniversary, parents