Out Of My Tree

Okay.  Confession.  i have stopped taking my medication.  I mean i’m still taking my blood pressure medication because I would be bloody stupid to top taking that and I know it works, but all the PCOS and asthma stuff that just feels like an excuse to make me spend money I have stopped… and there has been no bad effects as far as I can tell.

I have lost my appetite and am losing weight.  I feel a little tired but am otherwise fine (mind you I haven’t been sleeping because of the writing but that’s another story) and well, I am so much more sensitive than usual.

Nothing more than a stiff breeze.  Seriously.

So, I have started another blog because there are some things you just can’t discuss on a site where your work colleagues and people who know you go to and marvel at the fact that you can drone on and on about nothing at all at an irregular pace.

I don’t even know what I’m going to write on there yet but I feel like if I don’t have an outlet for these feelings inside me I may explode… and not in a good way.

And I am tense anyway.  Job interview on Friday and I am really nervous about it.

Yes, it’s Valentine’s Day but we’re ignoring that at the moment.

Today there was rugby but England lost so we’re ignoring that at the moment.

I had a revelation about my writing today, I like writing fanfiction and I refuse to get all snotty about it – but we’re ignoring that at the moment.

I had a lovely conversation with a delicious person on Facebook today that made me remember all the good thins about being uninhibited and a little bit crazy and wild so I decided to really go there and got the Southern Comfort out.

Now, apart from port, which makes me do silly things like sleep with inappropriate people Southern Comfort is my ‘loosening up’ drink and I got loose tonight.

I have been trying to write an ‘angry sex’ scene for days and nothing was working.  It’s been soooo long angry or otherwise that I was having trouble remembering.  Thank God for the internet.  I mean, I still haven’t written the scene but I can remember things now.

Tonight I had no intentions of drinking.  I was going to write, read, watch a bit of Tv and potter off to bed.  But instead…

There be drinkin’ here… and Prince wailing an order to Gett Off.

It’s that kind of night.

This is a being a whole different kind of Self Love post to last year.

Love to you all.

…That I haven’t been on the blog for, ooo, a while.   Well, three weeks.

This is not because I am not full of love for you all, and is not because I am dead (thank you so much for that email… you know who you are).  It is purely becauseI find myself a little more uninteresting than usual… and don’t want to bore you.

Update on my life?  Okay.

I work, I sleep, I write, I read, I watch TV and I work and sleep some more.

And I sing.  Well, I’ve started to sing in my head. And at bus stops.  But seriously, bursting into song like life is a musical isn’t all that weird, right?

Mmmm… I have been feeling a bit emotional recently.   I spent some time with my bestest friend in the whole wide world and she reminded me of who I used to be before… well…  before… and I am quite desperate to get back to being that person again.

It’s just so hard.

Medically, life goes on.  The month on inhalers for the asthma I don’t have went by with nothing changing but we are giving it another go with a steroid addition to get the inhalers to kick start or something.

One day, I swear I am going to start rattling when I walk. 

I am in the middle of a long application process I really want and am quite scared about equally.  I have been given so much help and advice by everyone – apparently I need to ’sell myself more’.  Any ideas?

I am pulling my head out ofmy arse and trying to get my crap together but y’know how it is!

I am obscenely excited about things coming up in my life.  March and April are going to be quite huge for me. 

While, for the foreseeable future this is not going to be a daily blog I am going to try hard to update more often.

And I really do love you all.

More than you know.

This blog has, for many reasons, been discontinued. If you enjoyed it and want more let me know!

Okay, so am trying this whole posting in the library thing.  It’s quiet, there are people walking behind me and I can hear air conditioning so concentration is at about the same level as usual.

I will fix the design issues next time I am online somewhere I can upload.  Probably next weekend if I am still in my house… which is looking increasingly unlikely.

Got back a couple of job replies, still nothing on the cards.  Considered becoming a nun, and there is no real reason for me not to except I’m just not that pious.  So, am considering becoming a ‘Homeless Mac Owner’ instead.  I did, for about 30 seconds consider selling my MacBook but the horrors that ran round my brain afterwards were too much for me.  Am shivering just thinking about it.  I mean, I would have to buy another computer anyway to do the Scout administration stuff and things for finding a job and all that.  If I bought a new one it would come with Vista on it and life is too short for that, and if I bought an old one the speed issues would drive me to distraction!

So, cardboard box/sleeping bag and my Mac which I would power with that nifty solar panel thing you can get.

Sorry this is so short but the clock now reads 2 minutes (that’s right there is a countdown in the corner of my screen) and I have to make sure that this saves… or I will scream… and the librarian looks as if she is a terminal shush-er…!

[tags] blogging in public places, homeless mac owner [/tags]

This is hard.  Trying to write a post when I’m not in the habit.  I have been writing in my diary again for the first time in ages just to have an outlet for the drivel in my head.  I suppose I could just post to the local version of Camel but it doesn’t feel right.  I guess I really do write for an audience.  But here goes.

Okay, so.  I am in a position of needing a job quite desperately.  I went and sat in a recruitment office for what felt like 1000 years while they reeled off jobs that I am either a) not qualified to do; b) am over-qualified for (their words); c) would be bored doing (do I look like I care about being bored?) or d) can’t do because I don’t drive.

I really need to get back on that particular saddle again.  Desperately.

Desperate, as you may be able to tell is the word du jour (is that right, who can tell?).

So,  the housemates left.  Presumably they went back to South Africa but who can tell?  They left telling me they were going on holiday to the Canary Islands for a week.  That was nearly a month ago.  I had an inkling that something was goign on but genuinely thought that… ARRRRGGHHHH… y’know?  Mind you it’s better that they are back in S.A. and not, where my mind went, dead on a beach somewhere.  So, tha plus no job plus life means I am leaving my lovely house and finding something new. Again.

But before all that a mission has become cleaning the house and not living like a student for 10 minutes.  I put books and nonsense on shelf.  And then took a photo.  A hard days work.

So, world, oyster etc.  Maybe I should sign myself up to one of those mail order bride websites and find me a rich American… except I’m not Russian/Eastern European/sexy in anyway.  But I can take photos (ish), write (ish) and I do a mean Excel spreadsheet.

It has been pointed out to me that I came off as a little nuts in that post a few months ago.  Again.  drunk.  Red wine I should stay away from oh yes.  Cough.

So TV is in no way as exciting as it is in the States where all the shows I love are showing season +1 to whatever was just on here but as least Ugly Betty starts on Friday and Robin Hood season 2 is on Saturday and Californication (little nostalgic sigh for David Duchovny) starts on the 11th… and Studio 60 is still delighting me every single week.  there probably are other things I should be enjoying but sleep and writing, yes WRITING have become quite big parts of my day.  I am writing what I know which means the end result will be interesting to me and a small circle of people who thought they knew me.  Ish. It was going to be a straight telling of my humdrumness but I have dragged two or three fictional things out of the cupboard and am schmooshing them all together to make a worldwide bestselling tour de force that will be finished early 2008…ish.  Yes, I am definitely going to finish this particular project.  Oh yes.

I can’t believe I have missed Talk Like A Pirate Day and all that September brings. The internet really has become like a second home for me and not being able to get on is like having the door to my favourite room blocked up, or being told you can never eat cheese on toast again.

I am also having trouble believing that it’s October.  then I step outside into the biting cold that has descended, fall over the 5 million conkers lying on the pavement and I raise my hands and proclaim, “I believe, Hallelujah!”  or something similar.

Scout things are going well.  We had our re-opening and made money (even though it was not a fundraising event).  Even when we don’t try we can do it.  Since then we haven’t really had a ‘thing’ to work for so focus is being lost.  I, of course, have no life so was starting to obsess a little about it.  But after nearly walking out on it for good last month calm has prevailed and I have realised that there are some people you are never going to change, there are some people who are never going to get excited about things again, there are some people who have lives that have more than one thing in them.  Crazy.

Okay.  I am going to go back to Bloglines and try to visit everyone.  If I don’t get to you it doesn’t mean I don’t love you; because I do, I truly do; it’s just alphabetical.  I will on my next visit to a hotspot. I swear.

Until next time.

[tags]job hunting, house hunting, housemate hunting, TV, Scouts,[/tags]

I am hating this. I am not in anyway approving of my life choices and am very something (I do know the word for it, honest, but it is now 6 something in the morning and I have to be up in no time at all to go to a Flower Show. Oh yes, a Flower Show… it’s a ‘cheer up’ trip from my Mum. Bless. I hope there’s a geeky bit somewhere.)

Life could suck more but not really. Still without job, still feeling like rubbish, still having less money than (what feels like) everyone and still waiting for that suitcase full of cash I ordered seven thousand years ago.

BUT, having a purpose at the moment. I finished putting my ‘other’ site together. Out Of My Tree. It’s beautiful and stuff… then my brother saw it and told me he liked the design for his site… So the ‘Sister’ bit of me won and he gets the design… If he doesn’t actually use his site I may become a little un-sisterly…

So, purpose number one is the redesign of ‘Camel and ‘Tree… which may happen in the next 24 hours or will happen the next time I get to Mum’s (where I can upload things unlike at the library) – I took the questions to be answered videopost off my hard drive and have been carrying it round on a disk so I could bang it online when I tottered round to a friend’s house… where I left it.

It may be quicker just to redo it.

What else? What else? Erm… I am heartily sick of the crappy weather here in the UK – rain rain and more sodding rain. I’ll swap for your heatwave, SJ, with gladness in my heart!

On the weather front can I ask a huge favour of everyone – please can you cash in some good karma with whatever higher power you believe in for sme nice weather on the 9th September? The (purpose number 2) Scout Group is having a Reopening Fun Day that afternoon and the BBQ and stalls will be under canvas if the weather isn’t good which means we’ll probably end up killing someone. I’m not asking for a lot – a touch of blue sky and no water falling would be perfect!

I have been doing posters and invites and badges and flyers and mug designs at a mile a minute for the event which had better be a success! (Please please please…). This one is less about earning money and more about showing off.

Ooo, I know what else! I have been watching Studio 60 and loving every last minute of it. I know it’s been cancelled – I kind of expected nothing less… It’s almost too good…

Right I’m going to update Wordpress now and then try and upload the new designs… Fingers crossed!

[tags] life, pre-Flower Show, Studio 60,[/tags]

Will be and am (as you may have already noticed) offline for the time being. 

Yes, this sucks beyond all manner of words…

Needless to say there is money involved in the not having any and wating to have more.

I will try to get down to the library and post in the next week… It may be a once a week thing at the moment… but I can’t upload anythign so the question answering videopost is staying on my Mac entertaining no one for the foreseeable!

Am wearing a rotation of my Artificial Duck t-shirts at the moment.  (Love them, Love them, Love them) and am doing not much else with my  life.  Unemployment sucks.

So, from the land of grey clouds, rain and not being able to play music while I type I wave in a pathetic manner and wish you all well.

Love you…

No really.

… All being good I’ll hit the videopost out of the park tomorrow.  I’m just going to record it and then force one of my housemates to watch it (I’m sorry) to check that I don’t look so bad that I’ll frighten small children and then bang it online.  It’ll be simple and easy after that…

I have had a couple of days of busy-ness – well, to the outside observer it would have looked a lot like sitting on my arse in front of a computer but they would be wrong.  

No, it was a lot like swearing at Word while I tried to redesign Certificates of Appreciation. I am this close, this freakin’ close to just dumping the whole thing through Photoshop and… oh, I don’t know anymore. I finally got rid of the letter about 20 minutes ago (the one I was supposed to have finished
before Thursday but who’s counting?! 

Facebook has kinda exploded even more recently – more people from school have appeared (well, they’ve been on there for a while but I’d never hunted them down as, past experience shows, that I am the only one in my old social circle with an online life – pfff, blown that one out of the water) and it feels great and safe and ‘normal’. They all just seem so much more grown up than me! Yes, I am a child. And a fuckup (do you think that’ll raise my PG rating?).

I did plug in some old names into the search just to see who I could find, and someone I never wanted to see/hear from again has added herself in the past week. So I’m kinda hiding behind a virtual broadsheet hoping against hope that she doesn’t spot me!

Going to bed in a mo – am definitely leaving the Mac downstairs… otherwise it’s all just too tempting… But first I’m going to finish watching Mr Jealousy, a 1997 Eric Stoltz movie, that has been on and distracting me in a major way while I tried to finish this.

Oh, the credits are rolling… And so are the tears.

[tags]blog, questions, Facebook,[/tags]

Right… My post’s have been dry (unlike the weather), annoying and brainless recently… so… I’m turning it over to the better bloggers and people out there – you.

Ask me anything. That’s right, I’m resurrecting that particular meme. I’ve taken my truth serum and am twitching under the bright lamp shining in my eyes. You can ask me things about my past, my hopes and dreams, my regrets (I’ve had a few), my loves, my hates, preference for toast spreadables… You can ask philosophical questions, advice type questions… Questions about favourite shoe colour will be laughed at and answered… Anything with a ‘?’ at the end of it will be replied to…

I will collect questions for the next couple of days – post them as a comment here or email them and I’ll answer the lot in a post… or (in the style of Hilly) a videopost…

And if nothing comes in then I’ll sulk and write a series of posts about contemplating my navel.

I am also calling out the lurkers in the style of Avitable. I have people telling me they read my blog but I never see their names plastered here…

So, yes, I am being comment-whorey but I don’t care today. In the words of Peter Gabriel “I need contact” so come on join in the sporadic fun!

If you are getting this over at Facebook click over to the site… I don’t bite… unless you ask me to! Bad joke. Sorry.

[tags]blog post ideas, question me meme, brainless[/tags]