I feel… Angry.
I feel… Upset.
I feel… No this is ridiculous. I can’t ‘I feel’ statement my way through this. I know what is wrong. I’m tired.
Yes I am writing this at 2.30 in the morning on my iPhone as I lie in bed waiting for sleep to take me away but it isn’t coming.
I have a buzzing in my head and my skin feels like it is about to run off. I feel hot and cold at the same time and every little thing is bothering me. I feel rubbish and stupid and unable to control myself. I need help or a hub or something but feel unworthy of one. I am snapping at Neil who has done nothing to deserve it. I want to be able to breathe in and out without feeling like my lungs will explode and I want to be able to exist without feeling sick all the damn time and without my stomach leaping up and strangling itself. And dammit I want to be able to have a day where I don’t want to cry.
I have honestly never been as happy as I am now. Neil is the perfect man and I couldn’t want for anything else – why can’t I stop failing at being me?
You’re not failing, just in another painful spot. Your man will understand why you’re snappish, maybe ask for some encouragement & feedback from him. Get some love, baby! That’ll begin healing you up. That, some perspective, a cuppa tea, and maybe some new ‘constructs’ as my counselor would put it (take apart some of the underpinnings of the way you see yourself & the world, & the way you behave in it, and rebuild; that is, look at some of your assumptions and question them like a CSI interrogator, shoot down and rebuild the ones that don’t hold up any longer). Sounds like an uneasy task, but once you’ve set it in motion, you can let your subconscious do a lot of the heavy lifting. You’re alright, you just don’t know it yet.
Catherine recently posted..part the 2nd
You are right. I had a long chat with Neil today – he told me what I kind already knew – how daft I was being (he used better words) and we made some decisions to change a few things – now just for the following up and actually doing them.
But thank you so much. You really helped.