Out Of My Tree

I know this is because I am tired and out of sorts but I feels so…

I got a really nasty message on Facebook today from someone I barely know anymore -who knows what other nonsense this is going to throw my way.  Yes, I have made some terrible decisions in my life but I have done everything in my power to make them right… But still I am to be punished for these things.  Is this the way the world works?  You make a mistake and forever you have to pay for it?

This added into the crap emails I got sent at the weekend have made me feel a little despairing of my world.  I want to be able to engage with something, someone and have them or it want to be engaged with. I want to be a ’someone’ again.  I want a little… hope.

You can’t be loved until you love yourself is how it goes right?  By that logic I will never be loved again.  Love myself?  I can barely look at myself,  I have to race past mirrors.  And this isn’t just about the way I look.  I don’t like the person I have become.  I am so tired – physically, mentally, emotionally – and I can’t complete anything.  I just can’t help it.  I have no way out of this pit I am in.

And it’s not work… Work is fine.  I feel fine there however long it lasts for.  I have no expectations there, I am not counting on anything at all,

It sounds really stupid the way things are effecting me at the moment.  Yes, I am the kind of person who cries at mobile phone commercials (yes, this one in particular)

but the tears are coming quicker and easier at the moment.

One thing that made me cry a lot was seeing that the number of people subscribed to my RSS Feed has dropped by 11 people.  Not that I blame them!  This blog has been about as interesting as a wet painted wall that is watched drying, and I can’t shake myself from this melancholy.

Even though I am surrounded by people who care, I feel undeserving so I pull away and try to make them see I am not worth any kind of attention.  My friends in the ‘real’ world have seen this over and over again.  I am nothing if not hopelessly unoriginal.

I am beginning to wonder if begging the doctor for some medication to stop me feeling anything wouldn’t be better.  I would very gratefully give up any happy emotions at the moment to stop the damn tears.  I would put up with feeling sick all the time to stop this ache in my heart.  I would put up with the inability to think clearly just to stop this lump in my throat rising over and over again.  But the doctor wouldn’t give me medication last time and I imagine begging him to give me pills isn’t going to help change his mind…

I just need to stop.  Or maybe I need to start.  I don’t know.  I really don’t know anything anymore.

When is this going to end?