You may or may not remember but a while ago (2 months to be precise) I went on a jolly to London, met the magnificent Moobs and the fantabulous (yes, this is a word) Rivergirlie and went to a small thing - The X-Files 2: I Want To Believe premiere.

At the time a lot of newspapers and magazines had giveaways and special things but the one that intrigued me was a DVD  giveaway with a selection of the best episodes and a special bonus disk from The Sun.  I dilligently collected the vouchers, sent off a cheque and stamped addressed envelope and waited.

And then today, finally, it arrived!  Hurrah!

The 8 disks have an episode each on them and the last disk also has lots of movie relate stuff.

The episodes are:

The Erlenmeyer Flask

Anasazi

731

Small Potatoes

Redux

Monday

Requiem

Vienen

and by God, I’m going to enjoy every single moment of them… Y’know, after I get some sleep!

Today I was being trained.  Well, I was supposed to be.  The manager showed me what to do in a really fast ‘you do this then this then this and then finish up with this ok?’ two minute flash and then told me to go and sit with someone else while she took me through ti all a little slower.

Well…  Slower was what it was.  During the two hours I sat with her she went for two cigarette breaks, disappeared to the vending machine twice, ate two bowls of cereal, a bag of crisps and a chocolate bar. At 9 in the morning people!

I learned more by just doing it myself.

Sigh.  It was a day for petty annoyances… compounded by working late.  There is a kind of frantic need in me to earn as much money as possible before this job ends - who knows when that will be.  The mornings are becoming easier though.  Feel less like the dead in the morning and more like the living dead.  Stumbling around as opposed to completely lifeless.

I got my winter blanket out last night as the cold is really starting to race in.  The sun is so beautiful during the day but the nights are becoming coat weather.  Proper coat weather.  So I really must spend money on some clothes… ugh.  Feels pointless if it’s not a cool t-shirt!

I cooked today.  I made moussaka from scratch.  No sauces, no buying things in a pack and then pretending I made it.  There was grating of a nutmeg today!  Grating!  Of a nutmeg!  And there was pinching of herbs and pan frying aubergines!  Aubergines!

So I did that and then roasted some butternut squash and sweet potatoes to go with it.

Oh, and plum and pear crumble to follow.

There was a lot of food.

The cooking took so bloody long.  But it was worth it.  People ate, I filled in a day… in which, yes, I could have caught up blogs and things but I just wanted to cook and feed people. So, today was a successful day in that respect.

And the bottle of wine I had to finish (the recipe required one glass of red) really softened the edges of the rest of the day. And because I always feel bad about using good wine in cooking (feels like a wate) I used a bottle I won in a tombola a while ago (it stil had the ticket on it - class all over the place today) and the name of the wine brought an extra smile to my face

I spent all day at work doing something repetitive… Yes, getting paid for it so not complaining AT ALL about it but typical that work was needed to be done on the one day I had plans with my brother and the sun came out!  And it took so long due to the slowest system in the known universe.  If I had to see that bloody hourglass one more time!

The sun was out!

It was a wonderful sunrise and a lovely sunset - that I can tell you.  Little else I can tell you other than the fact that Sainsbury’s was busy today.

Yeah, that was my day - yours I assume was better?

It was ‘another day’ today - remaining busy and getting on with things.  I logged into FriendsReunited last night for the first time in forever -no idea why just felt like I should - they have updated their layout and all that - profiles are slightly better although searching is still quite hard but it does seem to be a better version of Facebook than, well, Facebook - it is still purely a service for finding the people you used to be friends with… No games, no sheep to throw, no applications of any kind… and it is free again.

Right that’s the advert over except for the news.  As I logged in I saw I had a message that had arrived the same day.  It was from someone I loved (as a good good friend) at uni - someone I hadn’t spoken to since (and yes I remember the date) 26th May 1999.  It was just a ‘Hi… do you remember me?’ message to which I replied in equally generic ways but it felt good to reconnect to that part of my heart again.

It felt good to feel something different.

The last week has been hard but I am still getting up every morning and rushing out of the door to be confronted by skies like this…

and the bitter cold weather that is drawing in.

I had plans to spend some time with my brother this weekend.  We were going to wander round shops and do lots of nothing.  And now instead I am going to work.  Why?  Am thinking of the money.

I sat down today to write the events of yesterday but everytime I start to think of them - the way Izzy looked at me as she woke from her sleep as I walked into the vets, the way she put her paw on my hand and curled her toes gently round my finger, and the nuzzle of her nose as she rested her head just before they came to take her to the consulting room I have to stop.

All the petty annoyances of yesterday - spraining my ankle as I rushed out of work, the slow bus, the driver who stalled his bus, the temporary road works that ate into precious minutes with Izzy - these things don’t matter.

Mum, Adam and I coming together and showing our grief together, the tears never seeing to stop, eyes raw and throats hoarse… Every little thing starting us off again.  The sight of her bowl, her litter tray, her food, her blanket, her basket, her area for sleeping and then things not normally associated with cats - the sound of Robbie Williams on the tv (she used to sit up and listen when he was on - no accounting for taste), a strawberry yoghurt (her favourite) and even my MacBook (she loved to lay on it and warm up her bum) make my throat close up.

All today I have been staring off into space (I had to go in - can’t afford to lose this job… which is what would have happened had I not gone in) and just one image has been popping in over and over.  The very first time Izzy and I met.

She was a rescue cat - a friend of Mum’s had told her that a cat had been abandoned by her neighbours and after much discussion a decision was made and we agreed to take her in.  She was called Isobel but we knew that would never stick witha long standing family tradition that every cat we have has a name ending in ‘Y’.  It was a hot day and I was at school in rehearsal, for once desperate for it to finish so I could go home and meet the new cat.

I walked in to shouts of ‘close the door’ and saw her sitting halfway up the stairs staring at the front door.  She was tiny and we had her age down at about 6 months (Turns out we were wrong - she was at least 2 when she came to us in 1994).  Bright eyes and the most beautiful black fur you ever did see.  Ears standing straight up.  She shone in the light.  I put my bag sown, went over and stroked her head which she pushed up into my hand… and I fell in love.  And then the most glorious sound came out of her.  This long and loud miaow.  The cat we had before, Smarty, didn’t miaow but squeaked so the full vocalisation of Izzy was a surprise… but a welcome one.

The sound got louder and more frequent over the coming weeks as she grew more confident with us… The fear that we had the first time we let her out was unwarranted. She returned after an exploration of her new kingdom with a shout to be fed… and then she went out again.  Apart from the last 3 or 4 years she has been an outdoor cat, only coming home to be fed, have her ears and chin scratched and has overly decadent belly rubs - if you stopped to do something as selfish as have a cup of tea or turn over a page (or type a sentence of your blog post) she would bring out the claws and drag your hand back where it should be and then hold it in an almost armlock until she was sure you got the message.

She has run our lives for almost half my life and I really am not sure what I am going to do without her.

Today was difficult - answering questions and accepting the very sincere condolances has been hard.  I have had to be logical and almost cold about it.  Holding back tears and then disappearing off to the loo to let go a couple of times when something reminded me of her.  Mum had a similar time at work with people offering new cats to fill the void.  Too soon, far too soon.  It took us 2 and a half year to get over Smarty and he was hlaf the personality of Izzy.  The temptation to say never again, to avoid the possibility of this much pain, is huge… but we are cat people.  We will always be cat people.  How can we not be?

I dreamed last night that she was lying in my arms, head rested again my chest - the way she used to sleep like a baby and I cried.

Izzy

She lived with us

22 June 1994 - 24 September 2008

She will live in my heart forever.

I couldn’t concentrate on anything today.  I was drifting along and the only thing that had my sharp attention was my phone.  Everytime it went off I grabbed it like it would save me from the world exploding.

But there was no news.  Izzy is the same as yesterday, she is ’spaed out’ with all the drugs she is on, but she is the same.  She has, how to say it politely, expressed fluid naturally but she still has to improve a lot before she comes home.

I miss her ridiculously.

Izzy, my dear sweet cat, has not been feeling well recently.  She was swollen to double her size, was unable to walk due to the weight.  Eating and all the things a cat needs a tray for virtually stopped.

There have been many trips to the vet recently.  Many things were suggested - none of them serious.  Nothing worked.  Over the weekend her back right leg and foot swelled dramatically and she became unable to move.  I sat with her resting on me wrapped in her blanket, her sweet face purring up at me as she warmed herself.

She looked at me like she knew she was ill and that I was doing all that I could to help her.  I have sat up with her night after night during the various illnesses she has had over the last few years… and I hope she knows I would do that forever if she needed me to.

Today Mum took her back to the vet and they took a blood test to check her kidneys.  The results came back this evening.  The kidneys are no longer working correctly (the swelling was  caused by a fluid build up) and her heart is under a great deal of stress.  The short version is that she is dying.  It could take days or weeks… even with pain relief the treatment she will be getting will never get rid of the discomfort she is having.

Tonight she is at the vets and I have never wanted to hold her more.  I miss her so much…  Tomorrow morning we will find out when she will come home… and whether it is to live with medication and pain relief… or whether she is coming home to say goodbye.

The thought of that stops my breath.

While catching up on reading blogs (which I have been doing, I know I haven’t commented but… yes, I’m rubbish… It’s been an odd time for me recently.  I’ll pull my head out of my arse…)  I have seen this meme going around.  Created by the most magnificent Avitable and seen most recently by me) at SJ’s Psuedotherapy… here’s my addition to the joy.

• My favorite age: Even though was insane pain and frantic joy - 20-21.  It taught me a lot about who I am.
• My best friend: Hard to answer.  I have friends and people that I love but after being burned I try to keep away from the ‘best’ label.
• My celebrity crush: Obviously David Tennant, Neil Patrick Harris, Davis Duchovny, and at the moment having a little James Marsden fascination.
• My defining characteristic: Talking.  Too bloody much.
• My most evil moment: Other than being involved in pushing a breakup that could have reconciled I think all my evil is in stopping someone from getting the promotion they wanted by dropping hints about their supposed rubbishness.  (Don’t worry, they have a fantastic job now - Karma sorted that one out!)
• My favorite food: Yeah Toast!
• My grossest injury: I had a stone bench drop onto my left foot fracturing it in three places… Oh no wait, the snapping of my left wrist on a dancefloor was far grosser - the sound alone!  I made it worse by refusing to go to the hospital.  It’s all fucked up now. Dumb? Me? Oh yes.
• My biggest hatred: SJ already covered the cruelty to animals… I’d like to add ignorant sheep type people.
• My most illegal activity: I once stole condoms from a chemist.  Yes, poor but safe student.   Stealing over embarrassment of evil ‘Family Planning’ clinic.
• My need for justice: Justice for women across the world.  The international variances in rape laws and domestic violence is incredible.  Also… the treatment of our troops when they return home.
• My most knowledgeable field: Singing.  Not so good at doing it at the moment but I can spot a flat note at 40 paces hence why I don’t watch TV talent shows.
• My life’s goal: To feel content with myself.
• My mother’s influence: I am learning from her that settling never brings happiness, but that you should take every moment of positivity that you can.
• My nerdiest point: Talking a computer engineer through his job without the aid of any manuals.
• My oldest memory: Sitting half way down the stairs at my grandmother’s house after waking up with a party going on downstairs.  I have my mother’s music box with me but am more interested in listening to the music coming from the front room - Gerry Rafferty’s Baker Street
  
• My perfect date: Theatre - musical, followed by drinks at a Jazz club.
• My unanswered question: When is it my turn?
• My random fact: Loud music is fine and crowds are fine, but any other kind of loud noise irritates me to the point of screaming.
• My stupidest decision: Not staying at uni and getting my degree.
• My favorite television show: Currently on air? Doctor Who Of all time? The West Wing Runners-up would be The X-Files and also (yes, me too, SJ) Firefly.
• My style of underwear:High leg briefs.  I like me the lace.
• My favorite vegetable: Parsnips.  Roasted with a little honey.
• My weakest trait: I feel inferior to just about everyone.
• My X-men power: According to this quiz - Telepathic - which of course is best.  But really invisibility - you’d never know I as here if I didn’t want you to know.
• My strongest yearning: To be right.
• My moment of Zen: Singing loudly and without shame.