Out Of My Tree

It was a bit of an odd day.

Petty annoyances and waiting for things that only happened after I went out.

Further doctors appointments (about the tiredness) and more referrals – this time to a counsellor for an assessment to see if I am suitable for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. This could take months to even get on the program so is not helping my immediate not being awake for most of the hours of the day… but  who knows?

The best part of my day was spent talking to a kid I used to babysit for.  She recently passed her A-Levels (4 A’s and a B – yes, she rocks) and is going to uni in four weeks time.  She describes her feeling as 10% excited, 90% scared… I miss that feeling.

Going to uni was one of the best decisions I ever made, but for the worse reasons.  I was looking for an escape at the time and doing the thing I thought I should do.  It lead to me finding out a lot about myself and deepening mysteries that I still will never get to the bottom of.

I learned exactly how much Tequila I can drink before my legs go numb, and the answer to why I should never dance on tables.  I learned to avoid men with scary eyes and I learned to always make sure there is at least one other person in the computer rooms so that if you fall asleep while working at 3 in the morning they will wake you as opposed to the class arriving at 9.

One thing I didn’t learn, to my eternal detriment, was how to buckle down and work while coping with the emotional crisis of the day.  It’s ridiculous how much I used to get off on the drama drama whereas now I will do anything to avoid it.  I want a little boring in my life now; and, I think, had I had it then I would have finished my degree and be… a little more successful now.  A little less crap.

It’s been a hard week trying to find jobs and getting rejected over and over.  And it’s all because of the tiredness… and the mistakes of the past.  Yes, this is me being self-involved.  What a surprise.

When is someone going to invent that damn time machine?