Out Of My Tree

Right well. I have been a bit hopeless recently. The whole bleeding for 14 days and feeling like crap and wanting to kill everyone as my nerves are on fire and everyone in the whole world irritates me is over. I am now on a weird no mans land thing regarding my own personal medical hell. I forgot to refill my blood pressure medicine and with the bank holiday the two day waiting period it means the earliest I can collect it is Thursday (even though I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday (yes I love the NHS)) and even though I know it is my own fault and everything my body is doing including the rising blood pressure is my own doing because I am a lazy beached whale I still feel lie there is someone picking on me.

AND I am feeling guilt all the time about my blog and how I am not entertaining enough to keep the interest of anyone. I know it’s because I haven’t been out and about on the blogs recently and it’s not that you aren’t all fascinating and wonderful people (because you are) it’s just becasue I am so damned tired.

Yes, I know (I can hear my mum’s voice in my head right now) we are all tired and I should just suck it up and get on with it but I can’t. I am so down at the moment.

I have been transferring all the Scout crap off my computer and putting all my own stuff back on so I can carry around all my ‘beautiful’ memories but I’m serious when I say I have no idea why I am bothering with all of it.

I am finding it so damn hard to write anything here that doesn’t just sound like whinging. Oh, I know it’s my blog and I can cry if I want to but the traditionally English part of me is screaming at me to STFU and be polite and not discuss my feelings, or be overemotional or… oh God. I’m sorry.

I had something I was actually going to write about – what was it?

Oh yes.

I am so unbelievably horny at the moment.

During the whole enforced menstrual cycle thing I was feeling anything but… The day I finished (yesterday) this wave of want went over me and as I was sitting in the cinema I fantasised a little and wished I weighed about half what I weigh now, looked a lot less like me and a lot more like somebody good looking and could just go to a club, pick someone up and scratch that itch. Nope. Those days are well and truly behind me as well as being ridiculously dangerous.

But is this what I really want?

No.

As you know (or may not) the last time I felt love not alone wanted needed I don’t know how to describe it alive(?) has been playing on my mind a lot recently. It was 9 years ago and since then I have done everything in my power to make sure I don’t feel that again. The one time I have let myself believe turned out to be a huge mistake that nearly cost me my oldest friendship. I am a stupid person in life, but in love? There are pieces of toast with more common sense.

None of this is really adding up to a happy Bec at the moment. And yes, when I go to the doctors on Wednesday I will be begging her to help me stop feeling like this.

Oh how I wish Eternal Sunshine were real.

Anyway, a bit of lightness in an otherwise dark day. A meme. Stolen from Penelope at It’s Me… Penelope , who in turn stole it from Karl at Secondhand Trytophan who in turn stole it from Delmer at What’s a Delmer Look Like? – is this enough linkage?

The Rules: You highlight the things you can do and you leave in normal type the things you can’t. It’s that simple.

1. Give advice that matters in one sentence.
2. Tell if someone is lying. (I used to be able to but no more)
3. Take a photo.
4. Score a baseball game.
5. Name a book that matters.
6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible.
7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill.
8. Not monopolize the conversation.
9. Write a letter.
10. Buy a suit.
11. Swim three different strokes. (Being a beached whale means BEACHED)
12. Show respect without being a suck-up.
13. Throw a punch.
14. Chop down a tree.
15. Calculate square footage.
16. Tie a bow tie.
17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well.
18. Speak a foreign language.
19. Approach a woman out of his league. (I am changing to man and my – yes, or else I would be able to approach no man!)
20. Sew a button.
21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer.
22. Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn ’t have to ask after it. (Even if I change the words round I still have no idea what this means)
23. Be loyal.
24. Know her poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope.
25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it. (If this is an ordinairy nail then yes I can do this)
26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat.
27. Play gin with an old guy.
28. Play go fish with a kid.
29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped.
30. Feign interest.
31. Make a bed.
32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky , finish, or kick.
33. Hit a jump shot in pool.
34. Dress a wound.
35. Jump-start a car (without any drama). Change a flat tire (safely). Change the oil.
36. Make three different bets at a craps table.
37. Shuffle a deck of cards.
38. Tell a joke.
39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack.
40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear.
41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear.
42. Talk to a dog so it will hear.
43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help. (I’ve never tried a disposal but I’m reckoning it shouldn’t be all that hard. It’s all about RTFM)
44. Ask for help.
45. Break another man’s grip on his wrist.
46. Tell a woman’s dress size.
47. Recite one poem from memory.
48. Remove a stain .
49. Say no.
50. Fry an egg sunny-side up.
51. Build a campfire.
52. Step into a job no one wants to do .
53. Sometimes, kick some ass.
54. Break up a fight.
55. Point to the north at any time.
56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person. (Ooo, podcast potentail here!)
57. Explain what a light-year is.
58. Avoid boredom.
59. Write a thank-you note.
60. Be brand loyal to at least one product.
61. Cook bacon.
62. Hold a baby. (can, yes, afraid of doing so? Yes.)
63. Deliver a eulogy. (one of the harder things I’ve ever had to do)
64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch.
65. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap.
66. Throw a football with a tight spiral. (If you mean put some spin on a rugby ball – yes, if I think about it)
67. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably.
68. Find his way out of the woods if lost. (Follow stream or sunlight – if both of those aren’t around… panic…)
69. Tie a knot.
70. Shake hands.
71. Iron a shirt. (yes, well? No)
72. Stock an emergency bag for the car
73. Caress a woman’s neck. (Can we change that to a man’s neck?)
74. Know some birds.
75. Negotiate a better price.

See there are some things I can do. Oh and No. 22. if this means what I think it means then I can do it… without changing the words.