Well the mood swing really hit today. I went from ‘calmer than a calm thing in zen’ town through ’snappy bitch type toy dog creature biting people’s ankles’ land and ‘floods of hot angry tears’ ville arriving at ‘too tired to care than I’m weeping and looking like an idiot’ city.
The hormone thing I am taking is supposed to kick start my menstrual cycle again. They warned me that it would affect my moods (and it even offers caution against taking it with a history of depression) so I knew to expect everything to fall a little blue but this is ridiculous. It is even falling over into my blog world. In the past week I have…
- …made less sense than usual;
- …put out a half finished thought;
- …been even lazier than usual;
- …been preachy;
- and been self pitying
and have been hiding the shooting pains that have been emanating from my ovaries; the sick feeling, the dizziness, the cough (which has torn my throat lining so now I have a bad sore throat) and the horrible disappointment that nothing has appeared yet. I haven’t felt like a ‘real’ woman for years because of the no-period thing, having a reason for it is great but the little white pills were supposed to bring back the monthly reminder of my feminine status. Now I am one day off finishing the dose of pills and nothing has appeared I feel even less like a woman and more like a blob who can’t even get responding to medication right. And I know different people react in different ways but I am marinading in my irrationality at the moment.
I have also not received a new appointment from the Gynae clinic to discuss my PCOS so no treatment plan has been set for that, and when I rang them on Friday they didn’t even know that I was supposed to have one. Doesn’t bode well.
And things in general are disappointing me. I am amazed at how behind the times some people are proving to be and how naive they are. And how offensive some people are whether or not they mean to be.
I find myself biting my tongue so much I’m surprised it hasn’t fallen off. My whole body is shaking with anger and resentment and I just wan to lash out. It’s worse than it was six weeks ago and I know it isn’t doing my blood pressure any good. My heart was beating so hard earlier I felt like I was physically jumping with the pulse.
I have been trying to manage my depression without medication for about five and a half years now and it hasn’t worked. I have drifted between feeling too good for words and hopeless. Part of me knows that this is ‘just a phase’ but I am finding it increasingly difficult to function through this phase. If I look back at my diaries I can see it is usually around this time of year that the phases spiral out of control.
And I can’t see a way out of this.
Damn. There’s the self pity again.
May 5th, 2008 at 5:18 am
“I have been trying to manage my depression without medication for about five and a half years now and it hasn’t worked.”
BAD MOVE SWEETHEART. I’VE BEEN SUFFERING FROM MAJOR DEPRESSION FOR YEARS. UNTIL PROZAC WAS BORN AROUND 1990, I HAD TO GRIT MY TEETH AND SUFFER THROUGH EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.
I CURRENTLY TAKE TWO DIFFERENT ANTI-DEPRESSANTS WHICH DEAL WITH ALL THREE MAJOR NEUROTRANSMITTERS ASSOCIATED WITH THE BIG D. ALTHOUGH THEY DON’T ELIMINATE THE DEPRESSION COMPLETELY, THEY DO LEAVE ME FUNCTIONAL.
I HAD A FRIEND WHO TRIED TO WING IT WITHOUT MEDICATION AND THE DEPRESSION LED HER TO OBESITY AND A TOTAL DESTRUCTION OF HER BODY.
I CAN VIRTUALLY ASSURE YOU THAT 99 PERCENT OF YOUR SELF-CRITICISM IS DEPRESSION RELATED. WHEN THE MIND IS DEPRESSED, THE EGO TURNS AGAINST US AND BEATS US UP UNMERCIFULLY. AND WE ARE COMPLETELY POWERLESS.
SO POCKET YOUR PRIDE — WHICH IS ALWAYS WORTHLESS ANYWAY — AND GET BACK ON MEDS. THERE IS NO SHAME IN IT. DEPRESSION IS A CLINICAL CONDITION THAT JUST HAPPENS TO MANIFEST PSYCHOLOGICALLY!
ONLY A PUBE IN THE ASSHOLE OF HUMANITY COULD JUDGE YOU FOR THAT!
Glenn’s last blog post..OPEN MINDEDNESS + CRITICAL ANALYSIS = TRUTH
May 5th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
It’ll pass. It feels like hell while you’re in the midst of it but it will pass. My sister waited for 6 months for a period after being diagnosed and put on the medication but by the third month things had calmed down. However, if it is causing you a lot of distress you may be able to alter your dosage because that could be the problem. Oh, I really sympathise, there is nothing worse. Hang in there.
Selma’s last blog post..Just A Bit Of Peace And Quiet
May 5th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Glenn - am going to make an appointment at the doctors in the morning - would have done it today but what with it being May Bank Holiday I forgot everything of use would be closed!
Your friend who tried to wing it sounds pretty much where I am now.
Thank you for your words of support - they do help…
Selma - Thank you so much Selma - I am hoping this will pass as soon as the medication does. I have just taken my last one of this cycle and am calling the clinic tomorrow to advise of my ’status’ in the hope that they will sort something out. Am hanging. I swear.
Bec’s last blog post..Hormonal
May 5th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
Bec,
You don’t know how glad I am to hear that. I can remember how the moment my meds kicked in (after about 4 weeks), my whole perspective changed 180 degrees. I was no longer impatient, intolerant, mean-spirited, judgemental (well, at least nowhere near as much) or physically ill.
I love you and do support you. I don’t know if you have an IM, but I would love to chat with you extensively. I am on Windows Instant Messenger. My instant message address is gsryoga@hotmail.com. Windows IM also works with Yahoo.
Glenn’s last blog post..OPEN MINDEDNESS + CRITICAL ANALYSIS = TRUTH
May 6th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Glenn - grumble whinge doctors at hospital rubbish… Trying GP in the morning…
Bec’s last blog post..Darkness
May 7th, 2008 at 12:11 am
Bec:
Keep the faith baby. And please let me know how it went!
Glenn’s last blog post..OPEN MINDEDNESS + CRITICAL ANALYSIS = TRUTH
May 7th, 2008 at 12:17 am
Glenn - For doctors at hospital grumble whinge please see new post (how traffic whorish was that?) and see future for other!