Out Of My Tree

Well the mood swing really hit today. I went from ‘calmer than a calm thing in zen’ town through ’snappy bitch type toy dog creature biting people’s ankles’ land and ‘floods of hot angry tears’ ville arriving at ‘too tired to care than I’m weeping and looking like an idiot’ city.

The hormone thing I am taking is supposed to kick start my menstrual cycle again. They warned me that it would affect my moods (and it even offers caution against taking it with a history of depression) so I knew to expect everything to fall a little blue but this is ridiculous. It is even falling over into my blog world. In the past week I have…

• …made less sense than usual;
• …put out a half finished thought;
• …been even lazier than usual;
• …been preachy;
• and been self pitying

and have been hiding the shooting pains that have been emanating from my ovaries; the sick feeling, the dizziness, the cough (which has torn my throat lining so now I have a bad sore throat) and the horrible disappointment that nothing has appeared yet. I haven’t felt like a ‘real’ woman for years because of the no-period thing, having a reason for it is great but the little white pills were supposed to bring back the monthly reminder of my feminine status. Now I am one day off finishing the dose of pills and nothing has appeared I feel even less like a woman and more like a blob who can’t even get responding to medication right. And I know different people react in different ways but I am marinading in my irrationality at the moment.

I have also not received a new appointment from the Gynae clinic to discuss my PCOS so no treatment plan has been set for that, and when I rang them on Friday they didn’t even know that I was supposed to have one. Doesn’t bode well.

And things in general are disappointing me. I am amazed at how behind the times some people are proving to be and how naive they are. And how offensive some people are whether or not they mean to be.

I find myself biting my tongue so much I’m surprised it hasn’t fallen off. My whole body is shaking with anger and resentment and I just wan to lash out. It’s worse than it was six weeks ago and I know it isn’t doing my blood pressure any good. My heart was beating so hard earlier I felt like I was physically jumping with the pulse.

I have been trying to manage my depression without medication for about five and a half years now and it hasn’t worked. I have drifted between feeling too good for words and hopeless. Part of me knows that this is ‘just a phase’ but I am finding it increasingly difficult to function through this phase. If I look back at my diaries I can see it is usually around this time of year that the phases spiral out of control.

And I can’t see a way out of this.

Damn. There’s the self pity again.