Stop Feeling
Okay, so in this post I am going to go to a bad place within me and my past. If you’d rather not know or read this then may I suggest you go here, to one of the greatest comic strips online. Yes, I have linked you to the first one. And I’ll see you tomorrow…
Still here?
After my heart broke I became a different person that stopped hoping for hearts and flowers and well… became a fairly self destructive human being. I did not enjoy being happy as it would only be a precursor to feeling like crap. I was one of those people. I stopped taking my anti-depressant-stress-reducing-numbing pills and decided I would spiral for a while; y’know, just to see what it was like.
During some of the bigger spirals I would exit stage right from concerned friend land, put on something potentially revealing and end up in a club, where I would find me a man who was stringless and try to feel something else. I would deliberately put myself into some bad bad situations because I genuinely believed I was worthless and set out to prove it… in an oddball kind of way.
Well, you can imagine. It didn’t matter what I did or who I did it with I would just feel worse and worse about myself… ach encounter perfuctory, each receiving some kind of satisfaction, anonymous, this meant I would put myself in more dangerous positions… and the years ticked by.
The internet helped me achieve the really stupid.
So it got to one night about four years ago when I was chatting with some guy - IM-ing back and forth the old hat clichéd things we would do to one another if we were in a room together… Where are you? he asks and I tell him. Oh wow he says I’m about two miles away.
So I do what any stupid worthless imbecile does - I give him my address. 10 minutes later he comes round - the kind of guy you would normally cross the street to avoid; he looks like the words ‘bar fight’ mean the same as ‘Saturday night’.
I make him a cup of coffee and try to pretend like this is all normal while he drifts round my small flat, picking my things up and looking at them. Small talk occurs and then he starts to read lines from the chat window still open on my computer screen, and he slides the straps of this ridiculous satin nightie off my shoulder, exposing my breasts which he starts to fondle.
"Make me come"
The words on the screen which felt so bland earlier are now feeling erotic as all hell and I reach down and undo his jeans. He pushes me down in front of him and holds my head while I stroke his dick, wanting this as it will make me feel something else but also being ever so slightly bored… and tired…
I lean forwards to begin what looks like a quick blow job, but he decides he is control (one of the things I loved about giving head is that we are pretty much in control and he takes it away) and as soon as my mouth has slid over the tip he slams it in, blocking my airway and causing me to gag. He is pulling my hair back and forth and a thought goes through my head that I am nothing more than a doll to him. He comes quickly and pushes me away so I land back on the floor hitting my head on the computer desk behind me. He continues to come on me and grunts,
"Is that what you wanted?"
I am coughing and can’t speak which he takes as the affirmative. He smiles and leaves, waving. 15 minutes later he’s IM-ing me about coming round tomorrow. I feel nothing for the first time in ages, and I can’t see the face of the one who broke my heart. I say yes.
A month later I moved.
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“So I do what any stupid worthless imbecile does…”
No. Not stupid and worthless. In pain. There’s a difference.
Thank you for sharing this… truly powerful. And while I haven’t gone to the same extent you did, I’ve certainly had encounters with men that I shouldn’t have, both out of not wanting to feel anything and wanting to feel something. And I will never regret those experiences… because they taught me to learn the difference.
Comment by Carly — April 8, 2008 @ 5:54 am
This was very tough to read so I can’t imagine what it took to write.
Thank you for sharing this!
God knows I know what you mean about wanting to block it all out - the things we do to ourselves huh?
PS Am I to assume you also have a birthday coming up??
Penelope’s last blog post..Counting down.
Comment by Penelope — April 8, 2008 @ 8:42 am
Carly - I am grateful for the lessons I learnt from these experiences, but I still regret them. I have now accepted them as part of who I was and am trying to change that part of me, and (dare I say it?) learn to love myself…
Penelope - I’d totally take the ‘Eternal Sunshine’ treatment if I could. Yes, birthday - on Thursday when I shall be hitting 30 with a large hammer and a bottle of something quite strong.
Bec’s last blog post..Stop Feeling
Comment by Bec — April 8, 2008 @ 10:46 am
You’ve survived and you’re wiser for it, so that’s good, too. This was definitely very tough to read. I’m glad that you were able to post it, though.
Avitable’s last blog post..Lazy Sunday XXXIV
Comment by Avitable — April 8, 2008 @ 1:18 pm
Holy shit. It took real guts to write this, and balls of steel to publish it. But the greatest courage is in acknowledging and accepting our past, and not letting it define us. You are on your way there, as well.
You have more strength than you realize. I’m proud to be your friend.
Simply Jane’s last blog post..Proud to be a cocksucker
Comment by Simply Jane — April 8, 2008 @ 2:27 pm
Avitable - I hovered over the Publish button for quite some time - more time than any other. It felt a little like the peace I imagine you get after confession, and then the ‘oh crap’ panic set in!
Simply Jane - I have let too many events in my past define me and have ignored the present because of them. I am starting to understand this now.
Bec’s last blog post..Stop Feeling
Comment by Bec — April 8, 2008 @ 11:07 pm
I think I would have moved too. At least one good thing is that you look back and go ‘oh my god, what was I thinking’, rather than some people who just get embroiled in a circle of behaviour they can’t get out of, which eventually leads to them getting hurt badly, or worse.
Jo’s last blog post..A WHUCA Wednesday Tube Announcement
Comment by Jo — April 9, 2008 @ 3:05 pm
Jo - Moving was such a good thing - it broke a destructive line into pieces and let me try and sort it out… Try… When I think of that time and what it could have lead to… That’s my bad place!
Bec’s last blog post..Fire Sign
Comment by Bec — April 9, 2008 @ 11:39 pm
The things we do. I know. I have been in similar situations thinking the entire time: “What the f**k am I doing?” It’s almost like we’re trying to punish ourselves just for being alive. When I used to get on one of those self-destructive bents in my younger days I used to scare myself. I’m glad he wasn’t violent towards you and I’m glad you posted this. I applaud your courage.
Selma’s last blog post..I Wanna Be A Cowboy
Comment by Selma — April 10, 2008 @ 1:31 am
Selma - Don’t feel particularly brace posting this but it does feel like some of the guilt and shame I have been feeling is starting to leave. Self destruction is a dangerous hobby and one I am glad to, hopefully, see the back of.
Bec’s last blog post..Roaring 20s
Comment by Bec — April 10, 2008 @ 10:56 pm
Yeah, not easy to read, but thanks for sharing it.
Karl’s last blog post..Where Karl Reveals One of His Larger Secrets
Comment by Karl — April 11, 2008 @ 1:04 am
Karl - Normally I would reply to a comment like this with something flippant like ‘no problem, all part of the service’ but that feels wrong,,, so thank you for reading.
Bec’s last blog post..No One Has To Die At 30!
Comment by Bec — April 11, 2008 @ 11:43 pm