Out Of My Tree

So, back when I started this month I had big intentions of revealing all. I wanted to be open and honest about everything. Lay it all on the line. Put my cards on the table etc.

Then life, as it invariably does, got in the way. So, it all went a little by the way side. So I wanted to talk today about the reason for the last month.

Yes, the reason for it all kicking off was to support Carly ’s excellent book (available right here ) and there was the small matter of raising some money for RAINN ; but as well as a good excuse for turning the heat up on some of our blogs and having a good laugh (and future Christmas present ideas ) it has also been to bring the quite serious, and sometimes overlooked subject of Sexual Assault and Rape to the forefront.

1 in 4 women suffer rape or attempted rape.

The most common rapists are current and ex-husbands or partners

1 in 7 married women said they had been forced to have sex compared to 1 in 3 divorced or separated women

91% of women told no one

97% of callers knew their assailant

Less than 7% had reported the assault to the police

Source: www.rapecrisis.org.uk

Less than 7%. Now look at this chart - the official figures and projections made by the Home Office in 1999.

Scary, isn’t it?

So dig deep and help where you can.

Kevin , you done good.

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written by bec \\ tags: GBBMC08, rape statistics, Sexography, sexual assault

Why do they call them side effects?  This makes them sound like they just stay out of the way, slightly to the left of you, ignorable.

What brain dead moron though that ’side effects’ was a good name for the unholy crap the pills I am taking are putting me through?

So, as I get over the dizzy, tiredness thing from the Ramipril (High Blood Pressure meds) I have to start taking the Provera (magic pill that is supposed to kick start my menstrual cycle again (after 10 years)).  Well, today I have had more dizziness and a weird feeling in my fingers (like they didn’t belong to me), hellish cramps, headache, extreme irritability, low worthless feeling, tiredness all day but am now (NOW!) wide awake, feeling sick and starving at the same time and total inability to concentrate on anything.

It’s been so long since I’ve done ‘the cycle’ that I can’t remember if any or all of this is normal.  maybe I’m freaking out over nothing?  Oh I hope so.

I was talking about the diagnosis with someone at work and I joked about having a hysterectomy - ‘just whip it all out and have done with it’ and she looked at me like I had just suggested chopping my head off.

Work Woman: ‘But you can’t do that
Me: Why?
WW: You wouldn’t be able to have a child!
Me:  That’s fine, I don’t want one.
WW: That’s silly, every woman wants a child.
Me: (after long pause thinking about the possibility) Nope, couldn’t have one - too selfish and far too scared.
WW: Of what?
Me: Failure - bringing a child up in this world takes more responsibility and guts than I will ever have.  I’m just not that brave.

That seemed to stop her in her tracks, probably as she couldn’t disagree.  The thing is over the last few years I have accepted that I may never have a child and have realised that I am fine with it.  She asked if I get broody? Of course I do.  I have moments of wanting nothing more than to feel that unconditional surrender but then it goes back into the never-never jar, along with my lingerie modelling career.

I’d make one hell of an aunt though

written by bec \\ tags: broody, not wanting a child, Provera, side effects

So went back to the pink building of hell and got to sit in a waiting room filled with many many pregnant women with their partners - all in varying degrees of horrible bliss, all looking at lonesome me like I was the saddest creature on the planet.

I had arrived ridiculously early for my appointment and just wanted it over with as quickly as possible.  Luckily someone somewhere likes me today and I got into the Ultrasound a half hour early.

I unceremoniously dis-robed and lay back on the bed, everything titled in the right direction which the nurse asked if I was allergic to latex?  No I answered as she pulled out a probe that was a good foot longer than it needed to be and then she told me to relax.

I know she warned me it was going to be cold but… holy icicles, Batman!

As she poked around and tried to prod my lungs into a corner she asked why I was there and then said the magic word

“Well, I can confirm it is Poly Cystic Ovaries. Your ovaries are very large.”

I was going to make a joke about them just going along with the rest of me but instead choked out only a ‘thank you’.

An answer.  Finally.

PCOS - the thing Google told me years ago I had.  The thing my wonderful GP thought I had and then my blood tests disagreed with.  The thing the evil doctor from Gynae hell thought it was too.

An answer.

Now I just have to wait for an appointment for the next step - treatment.

All day though my insides have been cramping up.  I suppose that’s what happens when someone tries to get a flag pole up your vajayjay.

written by bec \\ tags: PCOS, result, ultrasound

It was the St. George’s Day parade in Kirkham today. The weather was miserable but there were more people on the street than I have seen in a long time. It gave me hope. I was down there to take more photos for the scouts and so had to keep running from the back back over to the front of the parade.

For a brief moment I forgot how unhealthy I was and ran. It felt good for… ooo… five seconds and then the heart pounding and the shaking and the being totally unable to breath. Oh, and then the throwing up and the needing to lie down and then the sleeping for 8 hours.

Great. I really do feel ready for the scrap heap.

It was St George’s Day on the 23rd. Patron Saint of half a dozen countries and the Scout Association. Fought a dragon y’know. Feels just like the person we should be following.

My brain is not doing well today

written by bec \\ tags: health, St George

I got up very very late today, wrote new scouty lyrics (which suck badly) to Nickelback’s Rockstar, wrote a first sentence to a new story, watched some TV and then had a mild panic when I went back to my Mac and couldn’t switch it on…

Battery not charged. Took me 20 minutes to figure that out.

The cat fell asleep on me for an hour, then yawned and walked off - nice to be used.

Trying to figure out what was wrong today and I’ve just figured it out.

I missed Doctor Who.

Thank God for iPlayer.

written by bec \\ tags: random

Completely inspired by Avitable’s excellent article . Go and give the man some sympathy… he’s about to lose a major hobby…

"I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own."
- Woody Allen

One of the things I enjoyed most of all about living on my own was the freedom I had. The freedom that whenever I needed to relax I could close my eyes and indulge in a little me time. Turn the lights down low and call up one of my favourite fantasies - something involving hmmm…

But sometimes I don’t even need that, sometimes it really is just about the sensations; the wanting to loose myself. And that’s generally where the Rabbit comes in.

I want to find the person who invented this and kiss them all over. What utter genius. For the sweaty solo total loss of control there is nothing better. If you want it all slow and sensual the fingers a-walking is the way to go I always find.

I remember the first time I achieved the Big O all by myself. I was both surprised at the way I felt alive, and the absolute exhaustion that set in after. It was good though because you don’t have to go through the whole ‘hostess’ moment of sex (making sure everyone had a good time) and I could just roll over and go to sleep afterwards. Lovely.

Talking about fantasy men, this photo appeared on our screens at work

and it started a conversation about which two ’stars’ would create the perfect fantasy man. George and Brad obviously come pretty close (George for the wine and roses; Brad for everything else) but no real conclusions were made. Any ideas? Or which two women make the perfect fantasy woman?

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written by bec \\ tags: fantasy, GBBMC08, loving myself, sexy men

An update for those following my medical nightmare annoyances - I am now taking pills (prescribed by the doctor I like and trust) to try and bring down my blood pressure. The side effects on the leaflet are numerous -some scary, some just horrifying. And on day 2 I have had three of them. But I am soldiering on as apparently it will all get better. Hmmm.

A friend of mine was talking about his total inability to move a conversation from ‘normal’ to ‘can I have your phone number?’ with any woman that he takes a shine to. He is terrified of falling into the ‘friend zone’ again. He asked me if I had any suggestions on how to segue from one to the other. Being as rubbish as, well, he is I had nothing - anyone out there want to offer suggestions?

The sun was out again today which is weird. I mean not weird weird but… it’s Spring and the sun is out… and I checked I am still in England. (I’m scared)

I swear… probably… that I am going to write a real (that is one not based on a meme and has required real, y’know, effort to do) GBBMC08 post tomorrow. I do feel quite bad at the way I have not kept up with this.

In other CRAZY news, if you live in the US; are between 16 and 22; want to bop to the top and want to make the world a "special" place then you can apply to be part of a brand new show for the summer. That’s right fun lover’s - you can bet on it that we’re all in this together when High School Musical: Summer Session hits your screens for the start of something new this Summer on ABC! It’s going to be fabulous. Cough.

Last, but not least - have you seen the cards on Blogography . How does Dave do it? Every year better and better - it really is only a matter of time before he takes over the world! Put your credit cards on the starting line. Shop will open soon!

written by bec \\ tags: conversations, HSM horror, medicine, weather

I could write something flippant or stupid, honest or lies, the best thing I’ve ever written, but nothing will come anywhere near this.

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written by bec \\ tags: GBBMC08, Miss Britt, sexual assault

I simply could not do one more whiney post and am a little worried about doctor’s appointment tomorrow so am injecting a little random into this increasingly annoying hell. (I would write about why I’m finding it annoying but it’s only more perfectionist crap and who the hell wants to read that?)

So. I pressed the Take a Random Quiz link and it brought me to the incredibly useful What’s Your Inner Colour? (my answers are in bold)

1. When it comes to emotions, you:
   • Feel at your worst when you are tied down or dependent
   • Can lose your temper quickly, but get over things fast
   • Tend to get bent out of shape if things aren’t totally perfect
   • Cry easily, laugh easily, and just tend to be pretty emotional overall
   • Aren’t scared of anything - you’re fearless
   • Are always smiling and a total optimist
2. At work or school, you:
   • Are daring and very innovative in your ideas
   • Hate to sit still and need to do something high energy at all times
   • Prefer to do something than sit around discussing it
   • Are always in the middle of many projects
   • Tend to avoid conflict and dissent
   • Like to be in charge of a group of people
3. Your life philosophy is:
   • You were put on this earth to be an important person
   • Life is an adventure, and you push things to the limit
   • If it’s not fun, it’s not worth doing
   • Life is all about the physical, concrete pleasures
   • Caring for others feeds your soul.
   • You can never be too rich - or have too many toys
4. Your friends would all agree that you:
   • Love to perform and get attention
   • Have trouble expressing your emotions and feelings
   • Are a good listener and are almost always understanding
   • Are totally adventurous - eager to push everything to the limit
   • Have a great sense of humor and tell the best jokes
   • Can go a bit overboard with organizing and planning
5. Which best describes you?
   • "I believe I can change the world in important ways"
   • "I tend to prefer concrete ideas to abstract theories"
   • "I love things that make my heart race - like roller coasters and motorcycles"
   • "I am a spontaneous, spur of the moment type of person"
   • "I am very competitive and love to win"
   • "I tend to feel guilty if I can’t help someone out

This apparently means that:

Your Inner Color is Blue

Your Personality: Your natural warmth and intuition nurtures those around you. You are accepting and always follow your heart.You in Love: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone. Your Career: You need to help others in your job to feel satistifed. You would be a great nurse, psychologist, or counselor.

written by bec \\ tags: blogging rubbish, Blogthings, Meme

"And breathe… and relax… Now stand, open your eyes, turn to face your partner… and dance."

Can you always tell me that you didn’t feel comfortable in my arms? That those endless nights and days we spent trying to climb into each others souls didn’t make you feel like you had come home to stay? That the touch of my fingers grazing your arm, your strength as you pull me to you, the sway of our hips and the pounding of our hearts - that all these things didn’t make you want the world to stop?

The breath on your neck as your hand travels so slowly up my back, the half step as I accept your invitation to move into your space and the moment we connect. The smile felt and not seen, the knowing without being told, the crystal clear and the cotton candy world, the love and the lust

That all these things, now gone, don’t make me want to make the world to stop.

Just for a moment

So I can hear the music again.

written by bec \\ tags: dance, memories