I get so angry, and I have no idea why. It’s like there is a river of lava running through my body. I have always run hot but at the moment I feel like I should be burning up.
The most ridiculous things are those that make me want to scream. And I have no outlet at the moment. No place to let it all out.
I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.
11 more days until (please God) I find out what is wrong with me. No pressure, oh Doctor of mine, but I have to know. You have to give me answers. You have to provide me with reasons why I am so… hopeless. Please let it be something that there is a magic tonic for.
I can’t even cry at the moment. Tears look so stupid on someone who has nothing real to cry about. But the pressure is building up - you want to know why I’m so big? It’s the hatred and the anger and the pain inside pushing to get out.
People are always going to let you down. People are always going to hurt you unintentionally. People are always going to disappoint.
All of the colour is disappearing out of my life again. I haven’t felt this unworthy and helpless in such a long time.
I’m not even sure I will post this. I’m not sure I can.
I haven’t had to put the mask on this tightly in a while. But today has to be perfect. I’m going to need super-glue to make sure there is no slippage.
Ha, iTunes has me again. (Nice Dream) by Radiohead.
March 16th, 2008 at 7:39 am
Hang in there!! Not long to go now. Also, good for you for not pretending everything is fine when it really isn’t - this is the far healthier option. Let it all out and then go find a huge glass of wine, that always works for me :o)
Penelope’s last blog post..Friday Frivolity!
March 16th, 2008 at 10:33 am
I am so sorry you’re feeling like this. Life really is crap sometimes. I know. It won’t be long until you find out your results. Take it day by day until then.
Selma’s last blog post..Pardon me?
March 16th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
I’m sorry you’ve got so much to deal with right now. But I’m with Penelope, let it all out! If you can’t be brutally honest on your own blog, where can you be?
I’m scared of iTunes. I keep hearing tales of how psychic it is. I think it may be part of Steve Jobs’ plot to take over the world.
P.S. I’m lifting yet another blog-enhancer idea from you …
SJ’s last blog post..Meme: Weekend matinee
March 16th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Penelope - Swop in Southern Comfort for the wine and there you have last night!
Selma - Thank you - it’s taking all the will power I have at the moment not to break into the surgery and steal my results. Not that I’d have a frickin’ clue what I was seeing!
SJ - I’m hitting the English ’stiff upper lip wall’ thing. iTunes is scaring me these days. It really has linked into my mood. My iPod is there too… It’s fantastic and horrifying at the same time!
Bec’s last blog post..Spontaneous Combustion
March 16th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
[...] Else? Spontaneous Combustion Mar [...]
March 19th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
Hi B. Okay, I’m with everyone else, hang in there, and let it all hang out, but also remember that people may let you down but not always intentionally. We all have different tensions, and foci and most of us are looking inward rather than outward. Think about intention. If the intention is to hurt then thats bad. If the intention was not but life pulled someone in another direction then that is just life.
Not sure the detail / background and if I am totally off course then tell me to shut up and thats okay but am also on an end of an email and will be thinking warm, loving thoughts your way.
L.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
lia - I was pissy and stressed on Saturday. I get like that sometimes - one might say I was just being an arse. The one’s I was referring to did not let me down on purpose which is somehow worse because at least I would have a reason but things are lying fine at the moment so least said and all that!
I would never tell you to shut up - fresh eyes and all that. Thank you thank you thank you.