Out Of My Tree

Now I will be the first to admit that I am, and always will be the last to be picked for any sport’s team. I would be the right shape for a cracking game of rugby if, y’know, I didn’t have girl parts… Gymnastics is out because I look ridiculous in lycra, that goes for swimming – last time they called the RSPCA to come and rescue the beached whale (those slings – not as comfortable as they look).

Football/soccer/basketball etc – far too much running aroun and I’d really hate to let the side down by missing an open goal with 5 seconds to spare.

Tennis/squash/badminton – anything with small balls (go on crack the funny) is out because I invariably end up with bruises from either getting my body in the way of the ball or whacking myself in the nose with whatever bat I am carrying (true story). The bruises thing applies to dodgeball too – although I really do enjoy having an excuse to throw things at people.

So, imagine my surprise when a couple of days ago I was given the position of Quarterback in a new American Football team right here in the UK! The Huddersfield Chives managed, run and owned by Dan (who amazingly has time to run a blog!) has created the most exciting team filled with Quarterbacks and an Offensive Rear End.

Watch out (quick Google) you Dallas Cowboys and you (Google again) Washington Redskins, the Chives are a-coming!I mean, all I, and the other Quarterbacks have to do is look mean and throw the ball, right?

Are they the ones who do the numbers thing? Y’know twenty-one, forty-three, one hundred an two, ninety seven thousand six hundred and four hut hut?

Seriously though, I really really really must get into some kind of shape though as the marshmallow man thing I have got going on just isn’t cutting it in the fashion world anymore. Every piece of clothing out there for the ‘larger than your average bear’ is either unbelievably boring and something someone twice my age wold think was too old for them; looks like a tent, or is covered in bright stripes or patterns in colours only a lunatic or B-List Fashion Designer would put together.

I have , as one of my delightful male friends put it, a ‘great rack’ and most of thee tops out there seem to be able emphasising that and then being all over accommodating around the stomach area which doesn’t, as the designer’s seem to be believe, hide the spare tyre – it points out that you could re-shoe someone’s SUV but don’t really want to tell anyone because then all you’d do with your evening is get bothered by people asking you to sort out their cars… and, well, I’m hopeless at that!

Heh, I’ll figure it out. For the time being going for long walks seems to be the way to go – and it gives me the opportunity to practice taking photos… which then means I can drive you lot mad with envy at how lovely the countryside round here looks at the moment…

Look at that – a post about sports and fashion. Really must stop inhaling toner before blogging!